Feeling like Super Woman

So I may not have a bodacious bod (in my mind), or the long flowing healthy locks of hair, super powers, or the cool costume BUT as I sit here on Day #5, I am feeling powerful! My muscles ache but my mind hasn't been so clear or open since before my pregnancy with Gladys. True exercise really can change your life. I haven't done the 'shred' yet today but I am excited to do it. I have noticed myself getting stronger through out the work out. I believe the importance of feeling change far out weighs the importance of seeing change. I know that I won't be 'bodacious' anytime soon and if you are my husband right now, you are scoffing. Sweet, ain't he? Anyway...I hope everyone else who enlisted are truly applying themselves. Remember that it is yourself that suffers and if we suffer, our children do. My own daughters are completely entwined and in tune to me as if we are one soul working in tandem. So I know that my actions are working on them also. Gladys woke up yesterday at 8am, supercharged! Generally she is closer to noon before joining the real world. Rhondalynn was so impressed by my workouts, she decided last night to do it with me. Her efforts pushed me to do more and be more. I was hit with the reality, as we all are several times a week, that I am her leading example... and then WAM! there it was. I am HER leading lady. And with that realization, I feel a greater responsibility to these workouts, my eating habits, my water effort, everything that I have spoken of has some how reached a new level of personal expectations and I hope that this will continue to drive me forward. I may not be at the place in my life where I am ready to be 'my own' but I have been ready from the time that I first held my first born, to be 'her's'. I am my daughter's leading lady. There is no other I would rather them to look to in their time of need, time of entertainment, time of comfort, time of hunger, time of sleep, etc. etc. Today this blog may not be full of the 'ha-ha' funny sarcasms because I found a little bit of time to be humble about the job that Heavenly Father has entrusted me with and I need and want to seek out a better way for HIM and my family. It starts with me. I do need to be selfish for an hour a day. That saying, "If mama ain't happy... no one is" holds great truth in my house. If I can continue to strive for 'me' time, I will have found the time that I need to find these quiet realizations that will drive me forward in my life. As I begin to feel stronger over the next week (being optimistic), I think I will add 30 minutes of bike time to my workouts. So speaking of work outs! I have some tips for anyone else doing the "Shred". Sip water throughout the day and it will help with any cramping you might experience. Go pee immediately before your work out. When it aches the next morning, keep your body moving and by afternoon you will be ready to 'Shred' it up. When you can't possibly do another second of whatever you are doing, push ups, butt kicks, jumping jacks, lunges, etc etc... SCREAM into it. Keep your breathing steady with your movements and SCREAM into your exhale. Your household may go into panic mode, but you will feel a great sense of strength. Don't hold back. If you hold back, you are holding back the blessings of seeing your life change. Remember, YOU! wanted this. YOU! It has to be about YOU! and when  YOU! are ready to collapse, remember to let your family take care of YOU! Consider it payback.

Day 1 of "Woe is Me!"

Obviously, I survived Day 1 of the "Shred", as I am here to tell you that it is hell on Earth. I was breathing heavy before the warm up was finished. I was calling myself 'stupid head' after 5 minutes. At 10 minutes, I was contemplating the idea of cursing. At 12 minutes, I did curse. 15 minutes in I wanted to stay laying on the floor and cry like a baby. And at minute 16, I think I did cry for nearly 5 seconds because that is all Jillian will allow. 5 seconds. At minute 19, I was dripping in sweat while attempting this thing called 'cool down'. And finally after 20 minutes of "woe is me"...I was done. I felt like I wanted to vomit. I was certain that parts of me were still jiggling and all I could think about was throwing myself in a snow bank. I did, however, wobble down the stairs, past my  husband who had a great look of concern holding the baby who inevitable wanted back into her momma's arms after only 20 minutes of being away and out the front door in hopes to find very cold temperatures. Somehow, after putting myself into the frozen tundra, I still felt everything down to my core, burning. Needless to say, it was possibly the worst 20 minutes of hardcore reality I have had to face in awhile. Dear World, I am weak. Forget all the talk about 'if I can give birth, I can do this'. I was wrong. I figured when people were saying that this 20 minute work out will change your life, I figured they never had to spend 20 minutes pushing a baby....out their 'mother'regions. (Sorry, gross, I know.) But! Since I have had this life changing experience, I am determined even more to follow through with this. Pain is weakness leaving the body, right? I also say that my rambling is fear leaving my mind. Sorry if these blogs seem like a whine session of some wannabe 'royal'. Today was probably not even a good day to start all of this. From the outside looking in, you might think I was trying to sabotage my own promise. I woke up at 7am, spent 2 hours in church, 5 hours cleaning, 1 hour eating lots of left overs from Christmas dinner, 2 hours napping and before you know it, it was after 7pm and I had to face the "Shred". Since doing the "Shred" 3 hours ago, I somehow managed to attain more energy to continue cleaning and have had no desire to eat...yet. I have this obsession with eating a small guilty meal after 9 that I have fought off doing for about 2 weeks now and I know that I will be further blessed for this effort. Anyways! What this is telling me, is if I manage my time and efforts a little bit better and do the "Shred" in the A.M.s, I could very well acquire more energy to use through out my day as I begin to chase my soon to be toddler. I also will proudly be the owner of my own craft/sewing room soon which is why all the cleaning today...as today is the only day my husband has time to help move the heavy stuff. I am thrilled with this and thrilled with the idea that maybe all this working out and lifestyle changes will allow me to be the crafty person I also think I want to be. I may even start scrapbooking! BUT before that, my daughter wants to learn 'quilting'. Rambling, aren't we? So basically, I think I may have found some light at the end of this "woe is me" day. Tomorrow I may not be seeing the light when I have to wake up to the inability to move. Thankfully, I can come back to this place and remind myself that there is some light. So ever onward we go! After a warm bath and some silent reflection, I hope to kneel in prayer to my Father and ask for inner strength and outer healing. Might do us all some good.

Am I really doing this?

The days when I decided to turn my life into a challenge of whether or not I deserve some 'royal' me time seem so long ago and really...it's been just over a week since I proposed 'the' question to the world. Can I become my own "leading lady"? Why, yes, world I do believe I can. I believe the better question is  "Will I?" Will I have 'the balls' to go forth with my decision to 'shred it' up? Why, yes, world I do believe I do. But again, Will I? The answer comes with a bit of struggle but YES, world, I will. So please arm yourselves ladies (and gent). We are going to embark on Jillian Michael's 30 day shred starting tomorrow, as promised. If you are with me, now is the time to do it! There is no better time. If you are like me, I resisted nothing when it came to food today. I have been completely loyal to my 'no cookie rule'. Instead, I ate 3 pieces of pie and 1 piece of cake...for dessert...today. As I sit here, I can literally feel the fat settle into my thighs and most certainly, tomorrow, guaranteed, I will feel it jiggle under my arms as I wave 'hello' to my wee little daughter playing 'peek a boo'. This feat doesn't come without some challenges. We all will have our 'excuses'. Remember, the adversary works the hardest on those that work for a better tomorrow. The temptations will sometimes seem like they will never end. The general rule for all is when we seek to do good, there is always someone seeking to destroy right behind us. Don't let them pass you. Don't let them lead your new path. And I will do the same. This is a no passing zone. It is time to show some womanly strength. If we can give birth, we can most definitely do a squat.... unfortunately, (and if you are guy or not a mother you will feel a moment of being 'grossed out' BUT) I am terrified of the fact that my bladder has to withstand a 'jumping jack' or anything really that may cause my body to move abruptly. Some things are never the same after giving birth. I may have motherly super powers but my bladder is NOT one of them. Am I rambling? Oh well, bare with me. I am struggling to find excuses why I shouldn't do this but having seen my own doctor recently I have been informed that I have the complete go ahead to rebuild the 'mother'regions. You know what I mean, right? That belly 'pooch' that seems to remind you through your own laughter that it is still there, jiggling to the point that you think you may need to pop a dramamine if it doesn't stop moving soon. Or how about the extra chin that only shows up whenever someone points a camera in your direction...as if it likes to hide in our denial but show itself when someone wants your (it's) attention. OR!did you ever have 'expanding' feet issues while you were pregnant? And every doctor says, the best cure is labor and delivery! Surprise, those favorite pair of heels 'pre-baby' still aren't fitting 10 months later. So what happened to that magic cure, doctor? And every time you are reaching for your Sunday best you be sure to grab the longest pair of boots you got to hid that little fat wrinkle just belong the knee. You know the one! Don't kid yourself. And somehow people still manage to over look how much weight you have put on and compliment you on how thin you look since having the baby. Well, obviously, if you seen me 9 months pregnant and then see me today, I am considerably thinner. Face it people. This is no 'pre-baby' body stomping around on your floor boards. That stomping is not me throwing a fit. That stomping is me searching for another cracker... All the more reason for me to end this crazy blog for the night and find myself some sleep. Bring it 30 day shred!!! I will blog after my near death experience with exercise.  

Rebellion. I can't help myself!

Hello Blog. Since we last parted I promised to drop some more pride and caffeine and begin a new relationship with water. I have somehow managed only 2 canned sodas a day for the past 2 days. Day 1 of water was a failure. I didn't realize how lazy and captivated by my baby I had become. For some reason there was just not enough time or hands to get myself water from the sink. I again I used the excuses of having to hold my daughter, chase the dog, Facebook, and cook (actually we ordered Chinese but it still sounded good to me!) to not be able to get myself water. I decided I was being ridiculous with the whole water thing and actually may have found myself stomping my foot while I was silently protesting in my mind. I quickly realized that my excuses were all very made up and that in fact, I do recall having a few minutes here and there to get myself a glass of ice water but to help myself get over my need to rebel I decided I would pick up bottled water. It was so fool proof. I amazed myself. So day 2 was amazing! I drank water. I drank the thing I said I was going to drink more of and I felt a great sense of accomplishment (after my first bottle). When I got to bottle number 3 for that day, I realized something. Plastic bottles are horrible for the environment. So quietly in my mind I am hoping that my 8 year old hippyish daughter who insists on saving the world ALL THE TIME, doesn't realize her mom is about to kill a good portion of it by drinking bottled water because my rebellious side won't allow me to take a few selfish minutes a day to drink from the tap (and subconsciously it actually desires a nice cold Coke in all it's fizzing glory.) Am I making sense to anyone? If I am, than Welcome to Crazy Town! To sum up a few things, I am so caught up in being a good mom that I forget that a good mom should make time to keep herself hydrated by nature's greatness, water. So here I am day 3 of less soda more water and I am struggling. My head is banging. I am going on very few hours of sleep. Last night was a series of 90 minute naps with diaper changes and screaming baby in between. We have hit a bit of a detour with Gladys' good health. What was suppose to be an easy fix for double ear infections turned out to be not so easy. It resulted in a bad yeast infection...that resulted in a new prescribed cream...that resulted in an allergic reaction...that resulted in a new antibiotic for the ears...that resulted in getting a shot in her thigh each day for 3 days...that resulted in a bigger rash...that resulted in 3 bathes a day and diaper changes every 2 hours and lots of air time....that resulted in a pile of poop in a play pen and getting peed on. I picked a fine time to go into a 'selfish mode' of thinking. Apparently, I am meant to be more of a mother than a leading lady at this time in my life. I silently did some praying in between my never ending string of naps and diaper changes and asked for a little bit more clarity on this purpose that I am trying to find. I did wake up clear minded as I realized that the rash is now half the size it was yesterday morning. Like that rash, (now bear with me this is strange) it started out small and someone came along and gave it a bad day and it grew...and it grew...and it grew...it was getting loaded with meds and creams and pretty soon it was 10 times the size and painful... after ONE day of doing nothing...absolutely nothing but diaper changes and bathes that rash became less...and less...and as days go by...and less is done....the rash will continue to be less and less. Isn't that like us? We put on some weight 

(especially after someone tells us we are fat) and to make it go away we try all sorts of things like pills, diets, programs, exercises...pretty soon our weight is up and we claim we tried but actually we just tried to cheat. No pill. No med. No program. is gonna do it for us! Nothing worth having comes easy. Like the nasty rash, when left alone and with a little persistent general maintance, it will go away! With a few small changes, a lot less pride, back to basics I (we!) go. Drink Water! Don't eat after 8pm. Don't eat on the couch, in bed, or while watching tv. To fight a junk food urge, grab water. These are all basics that we love to forget or ignore and if you are me, love to rebel against. I've been watching what I eat and trying to just keep portions in mind while sticking with what I like. Not so easy. I challenge everyone to watch serving sizes. I took notice and have really disgusted myself with the habits I have created. For example, saltine crackers serving size is 5. I love to dip mine in tuna and miracle whip as a snack. A lot of times I will eat an entire can of tuna  with an entire package of crackers (box has 4 packages). I used to think that was a pretty healthy snack and now I am thinking PIG! So I tried to just eat the suggested portions and felt completely starved not slightly satisfied like I was hoping. I tried to drink a whole bottle of water to see if maybe that was the trick. Nope. Didn't work. I had somehow convinced myself in the next 5 minutes following that realization that I was starving! So I finished off what I normally would have and swore I would just skip a meal to make up for it. But not even an hour later...guess what my rebellion was telling me? Cook lunch! Prepare dinner! You are starving woman! So I ordered Chinese food. Enough to feed a small army. I have since decided that food and I will not be having discussions anymore so forgive me if I don't talk about my food journey while we are sweating it out through the 30 day Shred. Clearly, that part of my life is going to take some prayer and maybe an exorcist. I will however keep on keeping on with water...oh, and cookies. I forgot to mention my new no cookie rule. When I was younger I hated cookies. I ate them because everyone else did and I always tried to do what everyone else was doing. So I think my cookie eating days were built out of a habit to try to fit in. NO more! I am saying goodbye to cookies. I don't normally eat them but I thought it couldn't hurt to give myself that rule since I know maybe those following along might actually benefit from my no cookie eating rule also. My mind is screaming REBELLION right now...probably because I have given myself a rule and my mind has always existed on the theory that rules are meant to be broken. SO anyone got a good cookie recipe to share?  Don't answer that. 

Speaking of Chicken...

I wonder if anyone will read my blog. I wonder if anyone will be offended. I wonder if they mistake my sarcasm for seriousness if that would make them think wrongly of me. I wonder a lot of things. Mostly, I wonder if I will actually grab myself a big ol' drumstick or maybe a whole deli chicken and decide that being selfish for an hour a day is just not my thing and eat myself further into my couch. I told myself I wouldn't be one of those that holds on to their blog like it's some crazy form of therapy telling people your every thought and decision but here I am not even 12 hours after I posted my previous first attempt at blogging whining about something you probably don't care about. I woke up like any other day today and found myself narrating my life like some schitzo off meds. I stopped myself. Prayed a little and in that small moment of where I remembered to give gratitude to my Heavenly Father I realized the moment that I went from being overly religious to only being what some people in my life call part timing it. I realized in one of my tear filled hour long prayer seasons that I needed to just get up and ask my husband to take out the garbage. It was then I realized that most of my prayer time could be cut in half if I allowed myself to just ask my husband to do something. Like any other devoted family man he quickly took on the things I needed him to do to lighten my load. The moral of that story is that if you need to lighten your load we are taught to pray but actually I suggest asking your husband. Women can be so full of pride and at the end of the day we are just filled to the top with stress. If we let go of pride, the husband would do the dishes, and we would find time to feel pretty again. No amount of prayer to Heavenly Father is going to lighten your load if you don't first drop the pride. When I reread my first attempt at blogging, I realized that is exactly what I did (again). I dropped my pride, sounded borderline crazy, but felt amazing relief afterwards. I am not perfect and neither is my facade. I ramble badly. I always avoid the point. I don't like giving good advice when I know good advice needs to be given in fear that I may offend the 'good advice needing' party. I don't like to step on toes unless they are my own although I always manage to do what I don't like to do when it comes to my mouth. So why is it so hard to do something I don't like to do when it comes to my health? Quickly realizing this morning that I should not put off the dreaded 30 day shred any more than necessary. So I am setting the date for December 26th. Yes, it's a Sunday. You must remember that I am not overly religious. When you think of me, think 'part timer'. Unlike a lot of religious people, I am not sold on the concept of going to church every Sunday for my salvation. Rather, I am like a small group of religious people that believe that it's what we do daily that counts at the end of our Earthly days. I refuse to be the person that says 'as long as I go to church that makes me holy' and then the following day they are boozing it up behind closed doors or insulting their neighbors or un-friending their fellow church members on Facebook. I am the person that loves you everyday of the week and will shake your hand in Walmart just like you shake mine in church. I am the person that when there is nothing to do, will pick up some Gospel even if it's not Sunday afternoon or the all too often avid church goer cramming for their Sunday school lesson the night before. I am not that person. I don't believe in cramming all my religious acts in one day and calling it good. Rambling again, aren't I? Well back to the day, December 26. I picked that day because it's after Christmas, Rhondalynn will still be on break, Travis will be home...it'll be the perfect day to start my one hour a day separation from being a mother to being my own 'leading lady'. Big sister will be around for the first week to distract little sister from the fact that, yes, mom needs time too. All in all, a good start to a change of routine in my life. That is me being sarcastically positive, by the way. To start me on the better bigger journey in my life, I will, however, need to start drinking water water water...instead of the sugar loaded caffeinated beverages that have been getting me through the days. This adventure begins tomorrow. I am cutting myself down to 2 a day until my current supply is gone and then I will be switching to de-caf diet drinks only. Bring on the headaches! I know this will be good for me. I know this will be good for me. I know this will be good for me. Someone tell me this will be good for me? Someone? Well, that is all I got. So if you are one of those that is going on board with me. Mark your calendars. December 26th. DECEMBER 26th. (Am I really doing this? Where's the chicken?)

Welcome to the Show! This evening we will be starring.... NOT ME!

Have you seen the movie "The Holiday"? Did you immediately associate yourself with the 'not so pretty' Iris (versus the gorgeous rich Amanda)? You know, the pathetically hopeless girl who can't get it all because she's stuck giving herself to the one thing that is bad for her? Well, that isn't completely me. I have the man I've always wanted with the kids I've always desired in the house I've only ever dreamed of with the job that we all desire. So what is it that is so pathetically hopeless? My desire to please all those around. It exceeds the desire to please myself near 1000 times. And you say so what!? Your a mother. Get over it. Yes. You are right. I am so OVER it. I give so much of myself that my 10 month old only sleeps if her head is on my chest or...worse...nursing. That means I have given up approximately 1,500 hours of sleep that I could be having like most mothers who get their children in a crib but instead have somehow decided along the way that her sleep is more important than my own. This also means that I have given up large portions of my mornings so that I can plant myself on the couch in front of my computer while she naps a few more hours away of my day away snuggled on my chest...of course, rendering me completely useless to the rest of my household. I can literally count the hours I have sacrificed since she was born because I am what some may consider a little OCD. Every hour I am doing nothing is an hour I have wasted. I didn't get my floors swept today! That usually translates to.. I am not sleeping tonight! Seriously. I have to have a house of order...a house of reason...a house of organization beyond organization. I need it for my happiness. Guess who hasn't been so happy in her elated joy of motherhood? I am over the top joyful to be a mother but extremely upset over the lack of joy going on in my closets. My loss of time for self has been devoured by my need to please my newest child while continuing to please the rest of my household and to top it all off? To add insult to injury? My weight. I weighed less after having Gladys then I do now. I am not talking a mere 5 pounds either. We are talking double-digits people. I disgust myself. I did pride myself on being over the top fit and firm and now I find myself stuck on the couch searching for a cracker in the cushions because I am starving but if I move my baby will wake up. After all, her getting 5 more minutes of sleep is entirely more important than me feeding my ever expanding face. Right? So I am making an active decision to stop this madness. It is about me too! This life is about me. These pictures we take of our family at some point have to include me. I can't hide my couch ridden self forever! Time to choose a path unchosen. Time to choose me. I want to become my own 'leading lady' and look like one too! I stress daily over the idea that you can't feel what you don't see. I want to see a better me. I know perfection is not within reach but I do know that there is always a better me waiting to be found. After 26 years of living me, I know me and I know me needs to chose me. This is me choosing me. I may not always get my thoughts out for all to understand but I will get them out. It'll be my therapy and probably your comedy relief for the day. So this blog is started with loads of sarcasm included and all kinds of crazy beneath the surface. My first task to find my hidden 'leading lady'? Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout DVD. I am going to put my baby down and start a better lifestyle. For my sanity. I will blog again when I embark on Day 1 of the workout. And if you don't hear from me again? I chickened out and you will find me eating Doritos in bed while watching some 'chick flick' as my baby sleeps on my chest....