Smile might be fake but at least these pants are size SMALL!

I am still sad with the current situation of a certain few family members. So don't think my excitement has overpowered the heart break. I will, however, keep greeting everyday with a smile until my smile is fully legit. We've all been there. Don't fault me for being a human with a heart. As of recently, I had an 'insult to injury' incident and all I can say is God is watching and I know that I have upheld my end of the deal. If there is anything I can take from that incident it would be that assumptions really do make people look like 'asses'. Heehaw. Heehaw. Now on to more important things.

Although I have been let down by the slow down of weight loss on the scale, I have managed to find positive vibes in another area of my journey. Clothing size! As I approached the work out clothing in Target last night, I really didn't want to try anything on but I was clueless as to what size to grab. In a past life, I would have reached for large and left it at that. In my optimism, at the end of last year, I found a bunch of mediums on clearance and jumped on them knowing that I would fit them sooner than later. I did fit in them. I fit in them sooner than I even thought possible and lately, those mediums have been slipping and sliding and I blamed the 'sweat'. As if I wanted to think of myself actually being smaller than a medium! That's just nonsense. Or is it? So there I was scoping out the sales and running my fingers over the mediums, glancing at the larges and scoffing at the smalls. I seen 'clearance' and thought it was worth maybe peeking at. And if you ever notice on clearance racks that every time you go for your size, its never there! It's either really large...or really small. Well, that was the case with me for the 100th time this year and for the 100th time this year, I was going to walk away but! there was those size smalls seemingly haunting me with their $2.00 price tag. I dove in and grabbed 2. Gave it zero thought until we got home. I was super excited last night to get home because I bought me a sauna suit. What could be more fun than basically wearing a garbage bag while riding bike? Um, nothing! So I ran upstairs 2 at a time because I can do that now, and grabbed some work out clothes. I slowed my roll when I remembered those size smalls. I kept going back and forth in my mind. If I try them on and they are too small for comfort, I may be let down but then the other part of me is screaming "DO IT!" and I did. And they fit. Snug but not snug enough for any lack of comfort. A nice snug actually. The snug that allows you to work out without having to stop and  pull up your pants. A snug that gives the butt a bit of a lift along with the self esteem. In my small victorious moment, I went to show the rest of the family and Rhonny says, "Gee, Mom, you could just borrow my clothes now." Laughing, I went back up and tossed on that sauna suit that I couldn't wait to try and hopped on the bike. First 5 minutes I was thinking to myself that it's not working. In the next 5 minutes I was telling myself that maybe I shouldn't have started off so fast. The following 5 minutes I maintained 44mph thinking I might as well be crazy, after all, I was basically wearing a garbage bag. After 20 minutes, the suit was sticking to every part of my body and it sorta reminded me of saran wrap. The suit promises an extra 75 calories burnt in 15 minutes so I decided I was going to go for 30 minutes which is usually 300 calories without the suit. I hit 30 minutes and sweat was running down my arms under my suit and out the elastic band around my wrist and dripping off my pinkie in a steady stream. I knew my purchase was working at that moment and decided it was time to slow down and get off and see what exactly was going on under the suit that clung. I was laughing and disgusted all at once. Peeling off the suit, I looked like I just stepped out of the shower with my clothes on. Seriously. So all of that for an extra 175 calories on top of my 300. I would say that 475 calories in 30 minutes is very worth the $10 I spent on the sauna suit and if you are pressed for time and only get a half hour for cardio, this may give you the extra boost you need towards your weightloss goals. I am not sure how much of an overall difference it will make but I plan on using it from now on, even during my 60 minute cardio time. I will let you know if I see extreme changes. Be sure to remember we need to be drinking water. LOTS of water. Also as a selfish purchase last night, I bought another Jillian workout. No More Trouble Zones. I just did it for the first time. I made it all the way through and I LOVE IT!!! I wanted something more targeted and something for my upper body because I really feel my lower body is significantly stronger than the rest. This is it! It feels amazing. She really helps you hit those target areas that we all love to hate. It's 40 minutes of sweating that you will love afterwards. I hope that I feel sore tomorrow. I haven't felt sore after a good work out in quite some time and I fear that I am not doing enough or pushing enough. I hope this gives me the challenges I need. When I can afford it, I will be trying out Bob Harper's Kettleball and DVD. I really want to boost my upper body. If you have tried it, I would love to hear your stories and experiences. Keep pressing forward with your exercises. Keep expecting more from yourself. If you tell yourself you can't, you have already set yourself up to failure. If you tell yourself you can't, than you won't. Don't put limitations on yourself. Age has no part in the goals you set for yourself. Time is no excuse. If you have time to watch your favorite show, you have time to get on your treadmill, bike, elliptical...whatever it may be. You have the time and make the time because you desire the change. Nothing is what you get when you decide you don't want to sacrifice something to get ahead. Breathe life into your actions, your movements, your decisions, your thoughts and you will propel yourself forward in a positive direction. Sometimes we all need to push a little further out to find joy that we didn't know could exist. My body is pretty happy these days and I am going to keep treating it as a temple, a gift. It's important to realize that this gift that we have been given can be used in so many different ways and the more positive we put out, the more positive we take in. Let not just your actions show love but let your minds and words be filled with love too. You never know who's heart you may touch or who's heart needs mending. Recently, I've had really mean things said to me and about me, and I really am at a sad time in my life and those things are not so easy to disregard when we are at a low point. Think about that before you say things to people. You could be the force that pushes them off the edge even if that isn't your intentions. I am grateful for the outpouring of love and loyalty and support from family and friends recently who sent messages, comments, phone calls, and texts my way to help uplift my broken spirit. You are the ones that make this world a better place and you are so kind in your thoughts and actions that you may never realize your worth to someone. I am blessed to have all of you in my life. Your kindness has gotten me back in the exercise workout routines that I have learned to love. If I could pay back the love that I have felt this week, I would and I may try. 

Crushed.

I have to apologize before I start. This blog will be frustrating for most of you because you don't know the details of my life right now and I am not willing to share them just yet. So as a bit of a disclaimer, this has nothing to do with Travis' family or Travis, but strictly my own side of things. Now we can begin...

A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from my mom that completely blew my mind away and at the time I was at birthday party so I had no chance to fully breakdown until we got home. I received news that a cousin dear to my heart had learned of her husband's infidelity. Just a few short days ago, I learned of another act of infidelity only this time, it involved the law, a minor, and someone even closer to me. Both of these incidences involve children and some of my most favorite people in the world. I am CRUSHED. I literally lay down at night sick with worry for all the little hearts breaking and all the pain caused by someone's selfish decisions. Worst part of this is that they all live so far away. I can't reach out like I want. These selfish acts are something that I am familiar with and my pain explodes as if it has happened to me all over again. Why do people have to be so crappy? Why do men have to love one and do another? I don't understand. One out of the two has even gone as far as to say that they 'had problems' as if that justifies his actions. Sorry religious people, but no act of God is going to fix these people. If you knew the situation, you would whole heartedly believe me. But thankfully those that have been victim to these idiots can find comfort with their Heavenly Father and they can know that at least one man in their lives will always remain faithful to His promises. Unfortunately, right now, I can't seem to find much comfort for myself. I am crushed with so many emotions from embarrassment to shame to sadness and anger. I wish time could fix what is broken but somehow I know that someone else will make these same mistakes somewhere in the world and innocent women and children will be hurt and I'm gonna feel it. Why is it so hard for people to just say 'I don't want to be with you' and just leave? Why break vows? Why break promises and destroy someone's self worth? I don't understand. I've been struggling with with the will to workout. I've been struggling with the will to eat right. I've been struggling with who my family really is. I've really been struggling. I could use a friend times 10. I need to find hope and motivation. I've continued to try to push myself into working out and I haven't given up but I do feel like giving in. I recognize that this is just a low point and it is a test of my strength. I know that I will endure and move past some of this. I know that part of this will be with me for a long time especially since one of them will be facing some hard jail time. I will have to dig deeper than I have in the past few weeks and I will have to hold on to the life that I am in control of. I can't fix what has been done to others but I can help heal and I can love. I know that my capacity to love is far greater than my capacity to hate. In the meantime, while I am sorting this all out in my heart and my mind, we need prayers and encouragement. We need love and understanding and above all else, we need our Heavenly Father.

Just let me be sad for awhile. 

Let me lack the inspiration you need.

Oh, and by the way, I am very close to breaking another weight loss goal for myself but I have noticed a slow down in weight loss the past 2 weeks. I have lost another inch off my waist and another off my hips so I know that things are working and my physical strength is there and my body is rejoicing! Let's hope the heart can do the same soon.

Victory is MINE!

I haven't blogged in a while. Forgive me? I've been busy losing weight and enjoying the weather and my new found happiness. I've always thought I was a pretty happy person. I had no idea that pain and sweat could result in elated joy! I've never discussed the real numbers in my blog but now that I know that others are on this same journey and so many of you have shared your numbers to me in private, I think it time that I really start sharing with you! 

I started my journey as a size 14/16 and depending on my milk production, dresses and shirts could go up to a size 18! I never felt too bad about being busty until I seen those numbers going up and up and knew that busty was no longer a key factor. Duh, reality sucks. After about 6 weeks of pain, sweat, and a lot of tears, I am squeezing myself into size 9/10 jeans and Medium/Large/12 tops and dresses. It's frustrating to go shopping. So many brands and so many different fits. I decided that I was not going to wear a brand that says I am a size 12 when another brand says I am a 8 or 10. I like knowing the size that I put on my back is the size that I want to be not have to be. I am completely anti to any brand name that tells me numbers that seem outrageous to me! I started off weighing at my most 206 and now at my least I weigh 173! I realize that I have a long ways to go. I also know that reality is that I weighed 140s/150s through out my teenage years and at my slimmest wore a size 7/8. I know that I may never get any lower than that even if the charts tell me something different! My doctor says my ideal weight should be around 160 and to prove to myself and to her, I want to blast through the ideal. I don't know how other bodies work but I gain muscle very fast. I tend to bulk up faster than I slim down. I am having a hard time trying to figure out how to make my muscles leaner verses bigger. If you have ideas, I would love to hear them. I have noticed drastic upper body changes. I have a rib cage! and no more rolls under the arms pits and my arms, pfft! near solid. I no longer slap myself in the face when I lift my arm to wave. But beyond all my physical changes, that maybe only I can see, I feel an inner strength that wasn't there before. I feel empowered with every move I make. I decided to make each and every day a solid day by making my actions count. When I pick up the girls' toys, I squat with intention. When I go to the store, I move a little faster. When my family decided to take a walk in the park yesterday, I took full advantage of owning a jogging stroller, and I jogged! and had Rhonny ride her bike. I can see a whole new year ahead of us. I can see a much more active lifestyle happening and I am indeed THANKFUL! for these gifts. I hope that I can spread my energy into all faucets of my life and into anyone that I come into contact with. I hope to spread the joy that I feel in my heart out to the people that I love.

I also have to tell you people that me and food have been talking everyday for a few weeks now. I haven't shared these conversations because I wanted to get strong in my knowledge and know that I can stick with this. I found out, that I can! I have started calorie counting and making calories count. I am on a 1500 calorie 'diet'. I don't like the word 'diet'. I guess it's more like a 1500 calorie lifestyle. That word sounds nicer. I don't eat junk. Period. I don't eat out unless I know that there is a low calorie option and that I can resist the temptations of anything not good for me. I started out limiting myself to only soups, salads, and sandwiches for a week. It was a quick way for myself to stay within my limits. That week was awesome. I felt great energy and never was hungry. I never desired a snack or junk food. Week 2 was harder. I learned to make my meals as low calorie as possible. I avoided salad dressings, toppings, any little thing that can add a little unnecessary calories JUST so that I could manage a candy bar at the end of my day. That worked really well for me that week. Week 3 I was trying to cut out anything and everything I could so I could eat 2! candy bars at the end of the day. That didn't work so well. I was hungry and hungry and hungry! I realized what I was doing and now this week I am putting myself back to 'reality'. All of my calories have to count. So before I take a bite, I ask myself if what I am eating will sustain, nourish, hydrate, and purify. It's not about satisfying the craving. It's about not having the craving to begin with! When I feel myself craving something, I tell myself that craving is a lot like lust and lust is a sin! Yeah, seems ridiculous but it's working for me. I have caught myself needing an apple, or needing a bottle of water and I smile. I realize in those moments that those cravings are being replaced by clean, pure thoughts and my body is beginning to take care of itself. My changes are becoming habits! Victory is MINE! 

If you haven't already, I would love for you to share your experiences with me. You can follow me on Facebook or we can email. Let's do this together! You are never alone and I always need the extra inspiration.