When something breaks, fixing it isn't always the answer.

Dearest Blog,

I'm sorry I've neglected you this month. I know you must miss my nagging, whining, sarcastic, inspiring, uplifting, complaining, and at times, obnoxious postings but I swear I have a good excuse! I didn't mean to go so long without checking in but I felt more obligated to my scale this month. I know. I know. I told everyone to step away from the scale and just be healthy BUT I couldn't help myself. My numbers started calling to me. They were taunting me with lower numbers and making promises of swimsuits and sun dresses and I could no longer resist. I have to confess that I have I not missed one morning of stepping on my scale as soon as my body was starting to wake. Some mornings I even stumbled around in the dark with my eyes barely open just to sneak up on my scale in hopes that the number staring back at me would be lower than the last time I had stepped on. Obsession? Yes! I never claimed to not be compulsive. In fact, I think I warned you many posts ago about my tendency to be OCD over just about anything including the stuff that isn't so good for me. So here I am. Not obsessing on the scale this morning because...

my scale broke. 

I will say this is our little blessing in disguise because here I sit. Sometimes my biggest inspirations come from within myself. Maybe this is someone's way of telling me to sit down and get inspired. I think it's time for me to blog some progress. I've missed you dear blog. Stay tuned! Please?

Love, Me. (A Thinner Me.)

So where to begin? I can't begin where I left off because unfortunately I am not entirely sure where I left off. It's been that long?! I'll start with this.

Chest 40"  (was 46")

Waist 37" (was 47")

Hips 39" (was 44")

Thighs 21.5" (was 24.5")

Calves 14.5" (was 16.5")

Neck 14.5" (was 16.5")

Weight: 168.8 

(was 206 at my heaviest last summer, 198 when I started in December)

As you can see, I've come pretty far in 3 months. I am very proud of me. I've completely turned my life around simply by forming new habits. I wish blogging was part of my new habits. It seems that my new habits take up most of my time now and by seeing the results, I know that these are good habits to have. I drink tons of water but recently learned it wasn't enough! So I went out and bought Ice Mountain 3L jugs and starting today I will be drinking one FULL jug a day. I was told by a fitness pal that she started this new habit a week ago and her scale moved 6 lbs in a week!!! That's amazing to me. Water has so many wonderful effects on the body and I hope that learning this will help me become a better version of myself. It's 9:30 A.M, and I have managed to drink the top inch of the bottle so far. It's going to be a long day and many trips to the bathroom. Let's hope this post-pregnancy bladder can adapt to more drastic changes. I almost feel bad for the dang thing. Anyone else ever stop to ponder what a bladder has to go through in its lifetime? Probably not. But I do and it's sad. 

*bathroom break*

Anyway! My new exercise routine consists of Jillian's Michaels Ripped in 30. I am on Level 2 Day 7 and using 5lb weights and sometimes 8lb weights! Strong isn't the proper word for describing me in my moment of exercise glory. It's more like watching a beast rip itself apart. At one point during the workouts, Jillian mentions the smell of fat burning and trust me, there has been days...where I, too, wonder if that's what I am smelling. In reality, my daughter Rhondalynn, reminds me that I smell like something infested my skin. (Insert repulsed laughter! It's okay. I'm past the shame.) 

The second part of my exercise routine is cardio. I bike. I walk. I jog. I run. I scream. I cry. I weep. I whine. I groan. I glory in the numbers on the scale. I know that what I am doing works but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Cardio and I never quite seem to get along as I hope. I am asthmatic. I've spent many years being told that I can't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't dare...but I can, I will, I should, and I dare! It's brought me closer to jogging for a full hour and/or biking for 90 minutes everyday. I really feel like I have gained amazing lung capacity. I can't wait to see my doctor again! It hasn't been easy for me. I may make it sound like a breeze sometimes but trust me when I say that I do scream, cry, weep, and whine. I get unbelievably frustrated and uncomfortable with this 'weakness' but my heart and mind say 'go, go, go!' but my body doesn't always feel the same. I normally would get mad at my genetics but I've read very inspiring stories of people with asthma that run marathons and climb mountains and do all sorts of physical things. I want to be that. I want to prove to myself that I can and I want others who use these excuses to push themselves to be a better version of themselves. 

*bathroom break*

I will admit that I have days that I over do it. My body gets pretty beat on. I use those days to remind myself that I am human. You can label yourself with many different labels and everyone else can label you too but before all the labels we all are one label in common. Human. I like having those days to realize that my abilities are not superior or inferior. I like knowing that I still can falter and I still have something to work on. I like knowing that there will always be a challenge for me to face. It will continually keep me growing. 

I have found something else that keeps me accountable and inspired. A website that a Facebook friend asked everyone to join and add her. So I did and it's been absolutely helpful and essential to my journey. 

 My Fitness Pal

My username is CallMeMamaBoo.

I highly suggest anyone on this journey to be healthier to go there and become an active member. I've been able to better track my calories in and out. It's helped me become aware of my body and the things it needs to continue losing the weight. It's really become my new 'facebook'. It's filled with such positivity and support. When I post my achievements or failures, everyone is there to pick me up or pat me on the back. It's exactly the thing you need when you feel yourself falling away from your goals. I absolutely love it! I love seeing the before/after pictures of people on this same journey to get fit.

^%@#$%&

*bathroom break*

really? seriously? yes. I am.

Anyway, about those pictures. It's made me think that I probably should have done the same. I can't imagine what the pictures would have said. I do imagine they would put any words I have to shame at this point. I started going through pictures of last summer and decided I truly did hide behind the camera. There are a few, one in a swimsuit (O M G!) that I cringe just knowing the picture exists but I am going to use that picture soon. I keep telling my husband that I am going to get that swimsuit out and take an after picture for the world to see me at my worst and at my best. I hope I am drowning in that swimsuit when that time comes. I resist the urge to try it on now because I really want it to be moment of huge victory. The kind of victory that involves tears of pure elated joy. I think about the place that I am in my life and feel very blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has had a hand in where I am today. I know that my own strength could not have been enough to pull me through some of my darkest moments. I know that in those moments I had guidance and love from a much more powerful being. At the end of the day, I know who to give thanks to. Above all of that, it's always important to acknowledge that we were created to do great things and our capacity is never ending. We all should know that there is no end to things. We can continually push ourselves to reach further past our 'potential'. We can seek out His guidance but we need to understand that we are the only ones that can act on it. Only we can put one foot in front of the other. Only we can choose to make ourselves accountable. Only we can take physical action. If we do nothing, we get nothing in return. It's completely logical and probably goes without saying but sometimes we need to be reminded. If we do nothing, we get nothing in return. You might be like me. You might choose to do nothing because you don't want to be disappointed or you fear the unknown response. You have to break past that thinking. You have to reach out with faith and know that you can handle what ever result you get. If you tell yourself you can't then you won't. That is so important that I am going to say that again.

IF YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU CAN'T THEN YOU WON'T!

You can. You will.

If you don't want to involve God in your life, then involve yourself. Get involved in your future. Stand up and make the changes you want to see. I know that sometimes I sound cliche. But the truth is that these things are always forgotten and drowned out by negativity and sometimes we need constant reminders of the obvious. 

So let me share a few of my VICTORIOUS moments this month:

*I don't crave, desire, want a soda. It's been over a week since my last one that I couldn't even finish

*I tried on a size 6 jean and they zipped! Not comfortable in that size yet and not comfortable buying new clothes until I am 'done' losing the weight.

*My abs play peek a boo with me and it makes me giggle every time I see them in the mirror. Speaking of mirrors...

*I finally put a full length mirror in my room after avoiding it for over a year!

*I let Travis and Rhonny take more pictures of me and I didn't delete them afterwards!

*I jogged for an hour OUTSIDE! while my mom pushed the jogging stroller so I could add high knees, butt kicks, skaters, jump ropes to my jogging routine.

*All of my jeans are too big.

*I wore a fitted shirt.

*None of my bras fit.

*The Post Office lady asked me if I lost weight!

*I posted a picture of myself head to toe on Facebook.

So that pretty much catches you up for the month of March. I am getting very anxious to see what I can accomplish before summer time. I am even more anxious to hear about how you all are doing on your own personal journeys. 

If you need a push off the couch, I'm strong enough to do that now. 

Just email me your address. 

*running off for the bathroom break I should have taken 5 minutes ago*

*then I'm gonna Google what the best scale to buy is before going out to buy a new one later*

(lack of) Pictures Say It All!

If you are a person who struggles with being comfortable in your own body, take a few minutes today and seek out all the pictures of yourself you can find. You may notice there is a serious lack of them or you may notice yourself getting sick seeing the person you have become. If you are me, you look at those pictures and ask yourself, am I seeing double? And if you are me, your answer was, yes, you are seeing double. Double the person I have ever wanted to become. Double chins that I never wanted to see on me. Double digit gains you never think you are capable of until it happens. The feeling of sadness will probably overcome you as you search into your photo trail. If you are me, it's more anger than sadness. Do you notice how unhappy you look? Do you notice that you quit taking care of yourself? The lack of makeup, trendy clothes, high heels, done up hair? Do you notice that when we aren't feeling good on the inside, these pictures are showing it on the outside? Or maybe if you are me, you don't see many pictures at all and the ones you do find, you are hiding behind your kids with serious amounts of make up plastered on. I look at those pictures and scream 'fake fake fake'. I wonder why we let ourselves get to that point. Wouldn't you think that once you seen a picture of yourself in an unkept state, you would want to get up and fix it? Instead, the photo trail grows bleak and filled with an unhappy person trying to live a happy life. Find yourself a picture of yourself at a weight you were comfortable with at a time you truly were happy in your skin and you will find a person smiling and laughing with washed hair and clear skin. Right there is your inspiration for moving forward. I don't care how far back you have to search or how long you got to work to find it, but for yourself and for your health, FIND IT! Keep that picture with you always and when you find yourself sliding away from the healthy life you know you should live, pull that picture out and remind yourself that you deserve to be that happy. You deserve to feel that beautiful. You deserve to feel desirable and accepted. I found hundreds of pictures of myself and I am arming myself with daily reminders of the person I am trying to find under all those unhealthy choices I have made. This week I caught a glimpse of her. You can be told a million times that you are beautiful and 'not fat' but no one can prepare you for the moment when you actually believe it for yourself. She hit me in the mirror right after a very heated 41 miles on my bike and she showed no mercy staring back at me and I realized that she and I are one person again. Together we are beautiful. Together we are going to conquer this body. Together we are going to make an appearance in life and it will show through our photo trail and I hope that one day my future will look back at these photos and sense a strong woman existing there. I want these photos and these memories to be a pillar of strength and love for the future.

 And somewhere behind all that unhappiness, I know you want it too! 

Go find yourself that photo and start inspiring yourself today.