Saturday, July 30, 2011

Mowing for 3 hours is Good for the Soul.

Amazing clarity can be attained while mowing the lawn on a hot summer day for 3 hours. After your body has become numb from the heat and strain, your mind is free to think of something besides the pain in your muscles and the sweat in your eyes. I started thinking about what the most valuable lesson I've learned in my life from my parents was. I played around with the usual things like 'hard work' and 'honesty' and 'commitment' and quickly decided that wasn't working for me. I moved to things like 'how to fish' and 'how to garden' and 'how to cook' and relative to the moment, 'how to mow'. I quickly realized that wasn't really going to work for me either. Then I thought of everything I couldn't stand as a child and realized the answer was probably pretty simple for me. I learned at a young age that when you start following it through to the end. If I were to pick one largely valuable lesson from my life, this would be it. Finish what you start. Always. No excuses. Just do it. Even if it fails, FINISH IT! With the exception of maybe one or two things in my life, I do believe this is something I enjoy doing. I look around my house and I know that whatever I have set out to do, I have finished. I hope that this screams out loud and clear to my children. I hope that subconsciously they take my one great skill and can magnify it into something beautiful in their own lives. The only real reason this came to me while I was mowing was because at the moment, I was 2 hours into the job, completely miserable doing a job that someone else was suppose to finish a few weeks ago. I would have been done at the 2 hour mark. I could have called it quits and said I did my part but I looked at those tall tall weeds hovering over my head and said...Screw it. I'm going to finish what was started. So many times in the last 4 years, I whine and moan and scream and cry over all the things that never get finished. I cannot change that the worse part of him happens to be the best part of me. I also cannot change the fact that I only finish what I start...Oh, wait! Why can't I change this? So many of my daily stressers happen to be seeing all these small projects that never get completed...examples being the door trim that is partly painted with painters tape still around it from well over a year ago, the door that was primed but never painted, the rug that sits on my porch waiting to be taken to the basement since being put there over a month ago. I complain about them not being done and never do anything about it. Part of this is programming. I didn't start it, why should I finish it? Dad always said finish what YOU start. In doing just that, I actual thrive on accomplishments. I will literally paint a picture in a day because I love the feeling of the end. I love a good ending. Movies. Books. Crafts. Dinner. A good ending is one of my necessities. The thought of finishing what someone else started seems just...wrong. Why would I want to steal someone else's sense of accomplishment? Why would I want to take over someone else's 'job well done'? I guess at some point in our lives we do need to take charge. We just do. These things have been pissing me off for far too long. So in hour 3 of mowing the lawn, I fought over myself whether I should be doing what I was doing. After I was done, I knew I did what was right for me. It's one less thing to evoke negative feelings plus it's one big thing I can say that I I I I MEE MEEE MEE I I I finished. I did it. I am woman, hear me roar, hiss, and purr. I feel great having done something from start to finish. He doesn't get to go to bed feeling like I do. He doesn't get to feel accomplished. He doesn't get to feel his muscles ache and burn and know that they will be stronger because of the work they did. I really really mentally was struggling tho. I don't like to be the enabling type. I don't like being the over achiever. I don't want anyone thinking they can half-ass their way around me because they think I will pick up the slack. I would rather have others learn the importance of finishing what they start. Sometime the hard work, the sweat, the pain, it's part of the process to get to where we ultimately want to be. Sometimes we got to get uncomfortable to be happy. I love this about me. I love that my daughters are going to grow up with a mother who is capable. I feel like if it wasn't for this one lesson in my life I would not be where I am in my journey to get fit and healthy. I reached my original goal weight a few weeks ago and even contemplated the thought of getting comfortable with that but have since determined that my body is capable of becoming even more powerful and even more healthy. I want to be around a long time. I want to comfortably see my daughters grow up and become wives, mothers, grandmothers. I want to finish this life all the way to the end. I don't need the easy way out. I don't need someone to do it for me. I just need to power through. Push the limits and the limits will soon stop pushing back and we get to feel the greater sense of accomplishment. Right? Hope so! 

So the lesson here is this...take the thunder from someone today. Show them how freaking bad ass you are and let them feel inadequate. And just when you think once is enough, do it again and again and again and again. You hopefully soon will teach someone that feeling accomplished is way better than feeling weak. Seriously. Finish everything you start. Teach your children the same. Engrave it on them because someday they will be someone else's spouse, parent, grandparent... 
You really want someone else stealing your children's accomplishments?

Probably. Not.

Also, take this lesson and apply it to your health, your own weight loss goals, and/or athletic goals. It might feel terrible to start something that you feel you already lost. You are only sabotaging yourself with negativity. Tell yourself you can. Fill your mind with the sense of accomplishment. Take on something challenging and finish it and tell me that you don't feel great. Hold on to that feeling and apply it to your everyday life. Pick an exercise and everyday go that extra distance. Pick your favorite bad food or habit and eliminate it completely and think of the money, the fat, the calories that you are saving yourself from. When you look in the mirror and you see less and less of that old person and more and more of the new person, you will know you are winning. You will know you are accomplishing something. You will know that your not just talking, your changing, and your children and family and friends are going to take notice and they are going to want to do the same and feel the same. 

or I'm going to show up and steal that 'feel good' moment.
(after I finish everything else in my life that he started first.)

You deserve a happy ending.

Friday, July 29, 2011


Hello Universe!?!? What's the purpose of 'tears' if you don't feel any better after they have fallen? What's the point of being capable of falling down on the ground and getting back up if the laws of gravity are going to pull you down anyway? Sometimes this life is driven by the things that don't make sense. Sometimes 'laws' need to be broken. Sometimes theories don't apply to everyone. Sometimes human nature isn't the force that pushes us to do things. Sometimes the things we are capable of, like tears, make no real damn sense but are somehow suppose to be the product of a cure for sadness. When we cry alone, no one is there to give you a hug, a pat on the back, to tell you it's okay, or to hand you a Kleenex. It's almost like an insult to injury, especially if the tears are tears of loneliness. It's possible for tears to actually make a person feel worse. No one likes to feel weak. Many of us don't cry. Many of us are taught that it's not right to cry. Many of us are told to 'suck it up' so much in our lives that when it comes to tears, they just don't fall. But then! suddenly something breaks every once in awhile. A brick gets soft and self com-busts and the wall starts coming down. The floodgates release and there we are, drowning in our very own salty ocean. These could be tears of pure joy and accomplishment or they can be the dark tears of a crushed soul. Either way, for some of us, these tears suck in a big way. The more we hope for them to end, the more they fall. In this world of technology, we can reach out to just about anyone at any time and feel a connection to someone that may pull us out of the funk. The curse of technology is that most people don't know the physical emotions of the person on the other end of the connection. You can't see someone crying in a message. You can't see someone being destroyed when it is so easy to type 'lol' after everything. I guess the curse of technology is also a beautiful thing for those that like to hide weakness. I wonder if and when it will ever become acceptable for someone to walk down the street covered in tears and distortion and not be ignored by the world. I wonder when it will be okay for people to reach out to others on a deeper level instead of skimming the surface like glass cleaner on a window. Sometimes glass needs more than a good wash. Sometimes it just needs to be replaced before that knick turns into a crack and that crack turns into shattered pieces of glass in-bedded into someone else's flesh. I wonder what it would take to get people to start connecting beyond the surface and from out behind a screen and keyboard. Don't you ever just miss the human touch? Don't you ever want to look into someone's eyes to see if they are really listening? really caring? telling the truth? Doesn't anyone else miss that? I spend a few hours a day with a few people behind a computer monitor. Uplifting, inspiring, motivating, just listening and comforting....what ever it takes to keep them going on the healthy choices and lifestyles they desire and a lot of the time, our mental health is what keeps us from having the body we so desire. We would rather eat than sweat. It's true for most of us. We would rather eat than confront the thing going on below the surface. It's emotionally draining to hear other's suffer and to be stuck behind a monitor when you really would rather just be there with them. I feel so limited. I feel so much and I think sometimes I am one big cluster F of emotions that is ready to explode on the next person that actually pays attention. 

Tears. Tears. Tears. 
I wish I was 'enough' to everyone that matters.
Maybe somehow typing this and knowing that people will read it may make me feel better in someway. Maybe it will make you feel better in someway...knowing that there is still heart in the world, you are not alone, and most importantly, I do take the time to care about just about everyone. 

Today I might be weak, but tomorrow I will be stronger because of it.
Take that positive thought with you too, when you fall down. 
It helps me get back on firmer foundation much quicker.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Heart Break

The thing that people don't realize is that heart break is more than a one way street. The heart doesn't choose to be broken. We all know that if we had the choice we wouldn't let the most tender place in our body be ripped to shreds. Heart break is generally the cause of someone else's heartless body. It's human nature to inflict pain when we feel pain. Maybe this is a built in defensive maneuver. Eye for an eye, heart for a heart. Most times when we set out to break a heart, it most likely wasn't even the same heart that hurt us. It's unfortunate when we become the innocent target. Sometimes in life, we walk around shattered inside and are on the constant watch for some kind of healing methods that don't involve another's heart. I find it frustrating that when a heart breaks, inevitably it's another's heart that has the secret mending abilities. I would rather suffer the discomfort of stabbing shards then involve another potentially heart breaking situation. Personally. Sometimes we want to heal. Sometimes we internally beg ourselves to heal. We want to propel ourselves further into the future in hopes that we can sooner forget the past inflictions. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. After all the heart shattering experiences in my life, I have found that forgiveness is the first thing we must give ourselves. After we can pass the blame off of ourselves we then need to give the damage creating prick the gift of forgiveness.

 Bah. Bah. Bah. Bastard.
This is where it becomes heart incinerating. You will most likely feel the pieces of your heart turn to ash at this very thought. I know I do. Daily. We can't heal a broken heart until we find it somewhere inside to pass forgiveness on. 
Good Luck! Hell may just need to freeze over first for most of us...

But, this does pose a question for the universe. If a broken heart remains broken, it has the continual tendencies of breaking other's along the way. Remember, Eye for an Eye? How or what must come along to change the pattern of destruction? Is it really possible to find a personal savior in this world where having any amount of humanity or emotions makes you a weaker being? Is it possible that there really is someone for every part of your life? If so, I'm looking for that stepping stone. I need to get out and up on top of this life and it seems like my usual life jacket doesn't want to keep me floating along. Some days I am just so angry at myself for allowing someone to control my emotions. I would like to get to a point in my life where I can say I am breathing for myself. I am losing weight for me. I am putting make up on for me. I am doing all these thousands of thing for me. Instead I am still trying to make someone proud of me (He doesn't even talk to me, what the hell, right?). I am still trying to make the world love me for me and all of me no matter what weight I am or size I wear (okay, just one person maybe two, but still the world would be nice too.) I am still fishing for someone to tell me I am 'worthy' of her relationship (she takes my weight loss as a personal attack on her, so what's the point of trying to win over crazy? Right?). I feel like this life is a battle that I can't seem to surrender from. 

I wake up and plan my 'hypothetical' day out in my mind and then I actually wake up and realize that I am not able to do any of those things and quietly stumble back into my reality of cleaning, chasing, errands, exercise, and cooking. I need to get happy with this life or I need to stumble into a new one. Change is coming soon. I can feel it. I am ready. Impatiently ready.

And all because some chump breaks a girl's heart... does her world never rotate back into a steady orbit. 

(Call it dramatic, but I call it my existence, which happens to be a beautiful thing to some....right?)

Saturday, July 23, 2011

I can do that? Seriously?

Wow. Time flies when you are busy! I don't even know when the last time I blogged was. I can't even remember what I blogged about. If you follow me on Facebook or MFP (again, if you haven't already, I suggest everyone to join My Fitness Pal), then you know that I started P90x 5 days ago. I also recently completed 9.6 miles running with no walking/no breaking in the rain. Yes, in the freaking rain. It was a cold, wet and lonely start and by the time I was finished I was still wet but instead of rain falling from the sky, I was drowning in my own sweat and wishing to feel some type of cool breeze which never came. I conquered myself that day. In fact, I set out to break my 8 mile wall. (If you don't know about a 'runner's wall''s the point at which you can no longer run but want to, pretty much.) I crushed that wall and with that run, I had decided that I was capable of doing more. I think this was my epiphany. I realized that day that I kept setting limits for myself sub-consciously. I kept telling myself that I can't do anything harder than Jillian. I can't lift anything more than 8 lb weights. I can. In the last 5 days, I've proven to myself that I can. I started P90x which I kept telling myself I wouldn't start until I was at goal weight. Well, goal weight was eluding me for too long as I was struggling with a 4 week weight plateau. I know from experience that when I plateau, it is time to eat more and switch up the routines. What better time to start! I took a few days off to enjoy the company of family that was visiting and as soon as my house was quiet, I took on P90x. In 5 days, it has changed me and the way I think of myself. I heard all the stories of how this was going to kick my ass. I got all the comments about how I should really wait until I could pass the fit test. I read all the experiences of people that couldn't complete it because it was just too hard. I was terrified. Not gonna lie. I was TERRIFIED! I watched the workouts every night before doing them the next morning and every night I would dream of pain and failure and wake up feeling defeated before I had even begun. Just as I have done previously, I took 5 minutes before every exercise and focused my energies on the muscles that I was about to work and cleared my mind of everything. From the moment I pushed play to the moment when I was finished, I gave it my all. I kept up to their reps. I used 10!!! lb weights and found that 10 was not enough for some of the exercises. After wasting all that energy being terrified, I was rocking these workouts. I mean, seriously, rocking these workouts. I can say that I am proud of the work I am doing. I can say that I can. I can. I can. AND! I will. I can't wait to share all my before and after pictures when I finish this program. I am doing so much lately that I never knew I was capable of. I am enjoying this new body and it's abilities. It's fun to wake up and wonder to yourself what will happen today that you couldn't do yesterday. I need to find a new balance. Yes, I love exercise. Yes, I love my family. Yes, I love love love so much. But lately, I haven't had the time to write and writing used to be my own personal mental therapy. I am going to struggle, I am sure, to find the time to make it happen. I just gotta! I can. I will. Don't be surprised if you see more posts from me in the near future. The beauty in this past week has been finding out that I am worth even more than I was prior to starting the new program. I don't get to run as much as I would like but at this point I am ready for a challenge and part of this challenge is sacrificing my love of running to get into even better shape to give my runs even more than I could before. Positive thoughts, keep them coming!!! I feel a good change coming on my horizon. I even managed to break my plateau where I am happily and currently at 148 lbs! Goal being 140 by the end of my 90 days. I got this!!!

The lesson here is this: Don't limit yourself. Make yourself do something new everyday. If you fail at first, don't assume that you will never be able to do whatever it is you are trying. Be sure to revisit prior challenges. It's the best way to see yourself progress. I've been so excited seeing everyone getting motivated and pushing themselves into a new lifestyle. I am here for all of you who are starting out. I got lots of opinions and advice and stories to keep you going and trying something new everyday. I am just one message away.