Spewing

Freeing our soul of emotions...casting them out into the universe, can be the most cleansing experience. I've found that the more connected I am to my body the more connected I feel to something bigger than me. I am not even certain to what it is but I do know that it exists. The warmth and satisfaction that surrounds me on the hardest of days is a comfort to me. This could be God letting me know that I am loved and unforgotten. This could just be my own personal universe starting to make sense. I am on a much bigger mission. This just isn't about my health and what number the scale reads. This is a mission to love myself. To find myself. To BE myself. I am grateful for the few that keep me close to them. Somewhere in the midst of all my physical pain and emotional drama, some people have wound themselves into my story and I no longer really feel alone in this life. Even when hundreds of miles separate some of us, I still feel entwined. I love that I am finding discomfort casting my soul out and finding joy when I am able to pull it back. I love that I can come to this place and spew out words and see that people are actually reading this and on some level I am sliding through someone's mind and evoking an emotion, whether negative or positive. I'm nearing 2000 page views today. I can't help but wonder if anyone reading these thoughts have changed because of me. I am rarely ever right in my thinking. I stumble on my words. I trip on myself. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm never average and always a step behind understanding. I do, however, know what it's like to be down, out, on top, and stuck in the middle. Today, I'm on out and on top. I have a picture in my mind that I can't seem to shake and when my hands are free from responsibility, I can't wait to jump into a baggy sundress, let the wind run through my tangled curls, the sun beat on my freckled skin, and sit myself in my front yard with a brush in hand and an easel propped in front of me and let the world swallow me up in sweat and paint. My head will be a complete fog until I can explode these creative thoughts on a canvas board. Thank goodness I keep a journal and blog, otherwise, I would be a dangerous person. I still have yet to blog on my P90x progress, even after I said I was going to. Can I just not dwell on my physical self for awhile? I hope you agree when I say that for mental health, it's okay to step back on all the inches and pounds. I'm focusing all my energies on being strong in my exercises and clearing my mind of garbage so that I can let my body do it's thing even more accurately. Meditation. Study it. Try it. Find yourself some peace and happiness in a world filled with hurt and destruction. I can't say that I very good at meditation but I figure that it doesn't hurt to try and try again. Most of the time I don't have the patience to sit still for too long but 5 minutes is better than nothing and I get better everyday.

 I'm lost in random thoughts so rather than type anything and everything I am thinking, I'll just end this here and tell you all that I appreciate that you take the time to read 'me'. The question, 'Can I become my  own leading lady?'  ...is still in the works to being answered. I can say YES! but I think I need to feel it first. 

Mowing for 3 hours is Good for the Soul.

Amazing clarity can be attained while mowing the lawn on a hot summer day for 3 hours. After your body has become numb from the heat and strain, your mind is free to think of something besides the pain in your muscles and the sweat in your eyes. I started thinking about what the most valuable lesson I've learned in my life from my parents was. I played around with the usual things like 'hard work' and 'honesty' and 'commitment' and quickly decided that wasn't working for me. I moved to things like 'how to fish' and 'how to garden' and 'how to cook' and relative to the moment, 'how to mow'. I quickly realized that wasn't really going to work for me either. Then I thought of everything I couldn't stand as a child and realized the answer was probably pretty simple for me. I learned at a young age that when you start something...you following it through to the end. If I were to pick one largely valuable lesson from my life, this would be it. Finish what you start. Always. No excuses. Just do it. Even if it fails, FINISH IT! With the exception of maybe one or two things in my life, I do believe this is something I enjoy doing. I look around my house and I know that whatever I have set out to do, I have finished. I hope that this screams out loud and clear to my children. I hope that subconsciously they take my one great skill and can magnify it into something beautiful in their own lives. The only real reason this came to me while I was mowing was because at the moment, I was 2 hours into the job, completely miserable doing a job that someone else was suppose to finish a few weeks ago. I would have been done at the 2 hour mark. I could have called it quits and said I did my part but I looked at those tall tall weeds hovering over my head and said...Screw it. I'm going to finish what was started. So many times in the last 4 years, I whine and moan and scream and cry over all the things that never get finished. I cannot change that the worse part of him happens to be the best part of me. I also cannot change the fact that I only finish what I start...Oh, wait! Why can't I change this? So many of my daily stressers happen to be seeing all these small projects that never get completed...examples being the door trim that is partly painted with painters tape still around it from well over a year ago, the door that was primed but never painted, the rug that sits on my porch waiting to be taken to the basement since being put there over a month ago. I complain about them not being done and never do anything about it. Part of this is programming. I didn't start it, why should I finish it? Dad always said finish what YOU start. In doing just that, I actual thrive on accomplishments. I will literally paint a picture in a day because I love the feeling of the end. I love a good ending. Movies. Books. Crafts. Dinner. A good ending is one of my necessities. The thought of finishing what someone else started seems just...wrong. Why would I want to steal someone else's sense of accomplishment? Why would I want to take over someone else's 'job well done'? I guess at some point in our lives we do need to take charge. We just do. These things have been pissing me off for far too long. So in hour 3 of mowing the lawn, I fought over myself whether I should be doing what I was doing. After I was done, I knew I did what was right for me. It's one less thing to evoke negative feelings plus it's one big thing I can say that I I I I MEE MEEE MEE I I I finished. I did it. I am woman, hear me roar, hiss, and purr. I feel great having done something from start to finish. He doesn't get to go to bed feeling like I do. He doesn't get to feel accomplished. He doesn't get to feel his muscles ache and burn and know that they will be stronger because of the work they did. I really really mentally was struggling tho. I don't like to be the enabling type. I don't like being the over achiever. I don't want anyone thinking they can half-ass their way around me because they think I will pick up the slack. I would rather have others learn the importance of finishing what they start. Sometime the hard work, the sweat, the pain, it's part of the process to get to where we ultimately want to be. Sometimes we got to get uncomfortable to be happy. I love this about me. I love that my daughters are going to grow up with a mother who is capable. I feel like if it wasn't for this one lesson in my life I would not be where I am in my journey to get fit and healthy. I reached my original goal weight a few weeks ago and even contemplated the thought of getting comfortable with that but have since determined that my body is capable of becoming even more powerful and even more healthy. I want to be around a long time. I want to comfortably see my daughters grow up and become wives, mothers, grandmothers. I want to finish this life all the way to the end. I don't need the easy way out. I don't need someone to do it for me. I just need to power through. Push the limits and the limits will soon stop pushing back and we get to feel the greater sense of accomplishment. Right? Hope so! 

So the lesson here is this...take the thunder from someone today. Show them how freaking bad ass you are and let them feel inadequate. And just when you think once is enough, do it again and again and again and again. You hopefully soon will teach someone that feeling accomplished is way better than feeling weak. Seriously. Finish everything you start. Teach your children the same. Engrave it on them because someday they will be someone else's spouse, parent, grandparent... 

You really want someone else stealing your children's accomplishments?

Probably. Not.

Also, take this lesson and apply it to your health, your own weight loss goals, and/or athletic goals. It might feel terrible to start something that you feel you already lost. You are only sabotaging yourself with negativity. Tell yourself you can. Fill your mind with the sense of accomplishment. Take on something challenging and finish it and tell me that you don't feel great. Hold on to that feeling and apply it to your everyday life. Pick an exercise and everyday go that extra distance. Pick your favorite bad food or habit and eliminate it completely and think of the money, the fat, the calories that you are saving yourself from. When you look in the mirror and you see less and less of that old person and more and more of the new person, you will know you are winning. You will know you are accomplishing something. You will know that your not just talking, your changing, and your children and family and friends are going to take notice and they are going to want to do the same and feel the same. 

FINISH WHAT YOU START!!!

or I'm going to show up and steal that 'feel good' moment.

(after I finish everything else in my life that he started first.)

You deserve a happy ending.

Tears

Hello Universe!?!? What's the purpose of 'tears' if you don't feel any better after they have fallen? What's the point of being capable of falling down on the ground and getting back up if the laws of gravity are going to pull you down anyway? Sometimes this life is driven by the things that don't make sense. Sometimes 'laws' need to be broken. Sometimes theories don't apply to everyone. Sometimes human nature isn't the force that pushes us to do things. Sometimes the things we are capable of, like tears, make no real damn sense but are somehow suppose to be the product of a cure for sadness. When we cry alone, no one is there to give you a hug, a pat on the back, to tell you it's okay, or to hand you a Kleenex. It's almost like an insult to injury, especially if the tears are tears of loneliness. It's possible for tears to actually make a person feel worse. No one likes to feel weak. Many of us don't cry. Many of us are taught that it's not right to cry. Many of us are told to 'suck it up' so much in our lives that when it comes to tears, they just don't fall. But then! suddenly something breaks every once in awhile. A brick gets soft and self com-busts and the wall starts coming down. The floodgates release and there we are, drowning in our very own salty ocean. These could be tears of pure joy and accomplishment or they can be the dark tears of a crushed soul. Either way, for some of us, these tears suck in a big way. The more we hope for them to end, the more they fall. In this world of technology, we can reach out to just about anyone at any time and feel a connection to someone that may pull us out of the funk. The curse of technology is that most people don't know the physical emotions of the person on the other end of the connection. You can't see someone crying in a message. You can't see someone being destroyed when it is so easy to type 'lol' after everything. I guess the curse of technology is also a beautiful thing for those that like to hide weakness. I wonder if and when it will ever become acceptable for someone to walk down the street covered in tears and distortion and not be ignored by the world. I wonder when it will be okay for people to reach out to others on a deeper level instead of skimming the surface like glass cleaner on a window. Sometimes glass needs more than a good wash. Sometimes it just needs to be replaced before that knick turns into a crack and that crack turns into shattered pieces of glass in-bedded into someone else's flesh. I wonder what it would take to get people to start connecting beyond the surface and from out behind a screen and keyboard. Don't you ever just miss the human touch? Don't you ever want to look into someone's eyes to see if they are really listening? really caring? telling the truth? Doesn't anyone else miss that? I spend a few hours a day with a few people behind a computer monitor. Uplifting, inspiring, motivating, just listening and comforting....what ever it takes to keep them going on the healthy choices and lifestyles they desire and a lot of the time, our mental health is what keeps us from having the body we so desire. We would rather eat than sweat. It's true for most of us. We would rather eat than confront the thing going on below the surface. It's emotionally draining to hear other's suffer and to be stuck behind a monitor when you really would rather just be there with them. I feel so limited. I feel so much and I think sometimes I am one big cluster F of emotions that is ready to explode on the next person that actually pays attention. 

Tears. Tears. Tears. 

I wish I was 'enough' to everyone that matters.

Maybe somehow typing this and knowing that people will read it may make me feel better in someway. Maybe it will make you feel better in someway...knowing that there is still heart in the world, you are not alone, and most importantly, I do take the time to care about just about everyone. 

Today I might be weak, but tomorrow I will be stronger because of it.

Take that positive thought with you too, when you fall down. 

It helps me get back on firmer foundation much quicker.