Monday, December 13, 2010

Welcome to the Show! This evening we will be starring.... NOT ME!

Have you seen the movie "The Holiday"? Did you immediately associate yourself with the 'not so pretty' Iris (versus the gorgeous rich Amanda)? You know, the pathetically hopeless girl who can't get it all because she's stuck giving herself to the one thing that is bad for her? Well, that isn't completely me. I have the man I've always wanted with the kids I've always desired in the house I've only ever dreamed of with the job that we all desire. So what is it that is so pathetically hopeless? My desire to please all those around. It exceeds the desire to please myself near 1000 times. And you say so what!? Your a mother. Get over it. Yes. You are right. I am so OVER it. I give so much of myself that my 10 month old only sleeps if her head is on my chest or...worse...nursing. That means I have given up approximately 1,500 hours of sleep that I could be having like most mothers who get their children in a crib but instead have somehow decided along the way that her sleep is more important than my own. This also means that I have given up large portions of my mornings so that I can plant myself on the couch in front of my computer while she naps a few more hours away of my day away snuggled on my chest...of course, rendering me completely useless to the rest of my household. I can literally count the hours I have sacrificed since she was born because I am what some may consider a little OCD. Every hour I am doing nothing is an hour I have wasted. I didn't get my floors swept today! That usually translates to.. I am not sleeping tonight! Seriously. I have to have a house of order...a house of reason...a house of organization beyond organization. I need it for my happiness. Guess who hasn't been so happy in her elated joy of motherhood? I am over the top joyful to be a mother but extremely upset over the lack of joy going on in my closets. My loss of time for self has been devoured by my need to please my newest child while continuing to please the rest of my household and to top it all off? To add insult to injury? My weight. I weighed less after having Gladys then I do now. I am not talking a mere 5 pounds either. We are talking double-digits people. I disgust myself. I did pride myself on being over the top fit and firm and now I find myself stuck on the couch searching for a cracker in the cushions because I am starving but if I move my baby will wake up. After all, her getting 5 more minutes of sleep is entirely more important than me feeding my ever expanding face. Right? So I am making an active decision to stop this madness. It is about me too! This life is about me. These pictures we take of our family at some point have to include me. I can't hide my couch ridden self forever! Time to choose a path unchosen. Time to choose me. I want to become my own 'leading lady' and look like one too! I stress daily over the idea that you can't feel what you don't see. I want to see a better me. I know perfection is not within reach but I do know that there is always a better me waiting to be found. After 26 years of living me, I know me and I know me needs to chose me. This is me choosing me. I may not always get my thoughts out for all to understand but I will get them out. It'll be my therapy and probably your comedy relief for the day. So this blog is started with loads of sarcasm included and all kinds of crazy beneath the surface. My first task to find my hidden 'leading lady'? Jillian Michaels 30 day shred workout DVD. I am going to put my baby down and start a better lifestyle. For my sanity. I will blog again when I embark on Day 1 of the workout. And if you don't hear from me again? I chickened out and you will find me eating Doritos in bed while watching some 'chick flick' as my baby sleeps on my chest....