Tuesday, January 25, 2011

If you can't stand up for yourself, then who are you standing for?

As I hit play on my work out DVD with Jillian Michaels 6 week ab program, I stand tall on my own two feet and reflect on the reason for my self inflicted pain. I started this life style change for myself. I wanted to become my own leading lady. I wanted to start taking care of myself so I can better care for my own family. I started this journey with very little self esteem and very little support. I started my work out last night as a much different individual. I know who supports me. I feel it every time I step into my tennis shoes and on to the mat. I feel you when I am pushing the weights high into the air. When I log in every morning I read your encouraging thoughts and experiences. I look into my mirror and I see the person that is making the real change happen. I am unbelievably thankful for family and friends and even mere acquaintances that are standing with me, not against me. To those that have chosen the other road, I have some words for you. Jealousy. Jealousy breeds envy and envy breeds hate. You are the people that I have chosen to cut out of my life because after all, this is about me taking charge of my happiness. This doesn't mean I love you any less. This only means that I have chosen to live without any added pain. This past weekend I did something for myself. I faced a demon. I had to do it through email but never the less, I faced it. In the past, I have tried to do this over the phone and even in person, but have you ever met a selfish munipilitive person? They are the ones that hear your problems and then try to magnify their own so much so that you no longer even exist on their radar. Soon the conversation turns into all the ways they suffer and you become part of their problem somehow and they leave you standing their guilty as if you could control life before you were born. I faced this person through email so that I would be heard once and for all. The response I got was amazingly selfish. I believe she even said that there was a 'selfish reign over Red Wing' ...but anyone that knows our household would probably feel quite the opposite. Regardless of all the things that immaturely got fired back at me, I still feel amazing. I got to finally say the things we all were thinking for years. You probably know that feeling too. I think we all have been put in places in our lives where we are witness to something we don't agree with and may or may not have to bite our tongues. I was relieved to finally put the words out and to stand up for myself. I am an adult. I have a voice. I have lived 26 hard years and am finally coming out on top. The things going on in our lives currently will be some of the happiest memories we will be able to look back on. I have always felt gratitude towards my Heavenly Father but lately I have felt a deeper gratitude as I am finally reaching into my potential. I have let too many personal demons stand in the way of feeling great about life and I am finding the strength and courage to stand up on own feet and tell these personal demons that I can no longer be used as their dance floor. My life isn't your gossip session. My choices are my choices and the relationships I have with family members are my relationships to have. No one should try to stand in the way of that. No one should make you feel guilty about the bonds you may or may not share with other family members. I realize how dumb this may sound because I do have a slight reputation for taking no crap but you have to understand that I have a heart and my heart stands in the way when the people I love the most are inflicting the pain. It is incredibly hard to face the people you love and to tell them enough is enough. If you haven't been there, you are lucky. You know the saying... If you love someone, let them go? I did just that this weekend. I finally let go. I am learning to love from a distance. Sometimes the things we love aren't always the things that are good for us. My heart breaks silently but I have never felt lighter! I brought so much more power to my work out last night. When I hit that mat, my mind was focused on one thing. My strength. My core. Not just my physical core, but my mental core. I can feel my mental health soar along with my physical strength. When you realize that you are worth something that can't be priced to the people who surround themselves around you, you realize that all the others don't matter.

My challenge to you...something to think about and if courage allows, to act on... Stand up for yourself. If you must, start a list of all the things that hold you back and a list of people that stand in the way of some of the things you really want to do with your life and one by one, face them. If these people really care about you and the love you have for them, then they will be back. If these people easily turn away, they were never really there to begin I have learned recently. If you can't stand up for yourself, what are you teaching your children? If you can't face your demons, are you prepared to live with them until you die, maybe even longer? If you are not willing to make happy choices, how will you ever be truly happy? If you aren't standing up for yourself, then who is taking care of your self worth? Can you continue to let people walk all over your God-given self? Would God want you to let others treat you anything less than a child of God? and lastly,

If you can't stand up for yourself, then who are you standing for?

So my working out with Jillian has gotten to be such fun for me as I begin to see and feel more strength. I am afraid I will get bored of her 30 day shred so I went out and bought her  6 week ab dvd. My goodness! It is so painful and so much more advanced but I love it. I think I will probably alternate between the 2 dvds and see what happens. I haven't taken a day off yet and I have found I am down 15 lbs. and 9 inches. I had the goal of going down one pant size but now I am realizing that I may have the strength and conviction to get thinner than I thought possible for myself. So I think I am going to commit myself to 25 more pounds and sizes 7/8/9. I realize that this won't happen soon but it is my long term goal. I didn't think I would hit 30 days with Jillian. BUT! I did. I didn't think I could do a lot of things. BUT! I am! I have so much to feel grateful for including my ability to STAND UP!

(Sometimes, I feel like I am repeating the same things over and over. I am sorry if that is the way it seems to anyone else. Maybe it just is my way of stressing the importance of what matters in this life. Or maybe each one of these blogs is meant for a different individual and requires my thoughts to be written different several hundreds of times. I know there is purpose here somewhere.)