Saturday, January 8, 2011

This is MY Life!

"This is my life. It is my one time to be me. I want to experience every good thing." ---Maya Angelou

2 years ago. That was about the time that I gave up on myself. I wasn't getting pregnant. I wasn't getting any thinner. I wasn't getting any prettier. I just looked at myself and said I can't and therefore, I won't. I realize now that may have been the moment that God decided to walk a little closer and may have even carried me when I didn't bother to ask. I just don't know how else I would have gotten to this point. As I approached my treadmill this morning after I did my 20 minutes with Jillian, I took a moment to read the above quote that is hanging on my wall. I was deeply touched and let my mind wander back to that 'giving up' point in my life and began to walk...walk...and soon I was jogging. I was washed over with emotion thinking that I have come so far in so little time. I think I finally have a grip on what it is to be a mother and most importantly, a woman. I was blessed with a baby a year after I decided that I was 'giving up'. In fact, I was 5 months pregnant before I even knew I was pregnant because my 'giving up' mode had built up a great deal of denial. Seriously. I had very little time to prepare for baby. I had very little time to prepare myself mentally. I sorta got myself stuck in 'giving up' mode even after we found out we were pregnant. I was stuck and I didn't want out. I thought maybe this was just life and I was going to let life carry me. I will give you the exact moment that I decided that it was time to pick and choose my experiences and to take back some control... I was in labor. January 22nd. Around 1 a.m. I managed to set my mind very straight and get it clear enough to bring Gladys into this world without the use of pain medications. I focused on my husband. I focused on her. I focused on the joy that she would bring into my life. I focused on the true blessing that moment was. I focused on my Savior. I focused on having bragging rights! So many give in to the pain and medicate themselves to the point of not remembering the birth of their baby. Not me! I recall every contraction. I recall every time that I said I couldn't and every time my husband said I could. His belief in me was amazing and uplifting. In those moments, I decided that I needed to get back control of my life and enjoy it. Here we are almost a year later, and I can tell you that  it has been the most unselfish year of my life. I devoted all of myself to my baby G. I gave her everything I had to give and along the way I forgot me. I forgot what this journey is suppose to be about. Although, I have enjoyed and cherished all the milestones and all the laughter and even all the tears, I forgot to enjoy me. I had the super human strength to bring a baby into this world. I had that strength and no one did it for me. I am not sure what or who I was waiting for this past year. I should have known it has to be about me. Without me, many things would not be possible and just now I am starting to understand that. Our Father has given us the gift of life! He only gave us one life to live. There are no do overs. What we do in this life determines what kind of life we will have when we leave this Earth. Do we really want to think back on the times we spent on the couch? Do we really want to think back on all the cookies we ate? The tears we cried? The anger we felt? This is MY life. When I leave this life, I want my daughters to remember the experiences I left behind. I want them to remember all the good I did. I want them to feel the very essence of life when they think of me. As I was jogging my 2.5 miles this morning, I cried briefly and smiled to the point that I couldn't stop. I am taking back my life. I think I have been hard enough on myself.

So there I was on my treadmill, sweating it out to some 80's music. With every stride, I felt lighter and freer. I was completely satisfied with the pain in my calves. I was enjoying the fact that my entire body was on my fire. What a difference 2 weeks can make when you are willing to let change happen. I hope to continue this journey with exercise. I hope that it continues to clear my mind. In my clarity, I am finding my life. The only life I have.