Tuesday, February 22, 2011


I have to apologize before I start. This blog will be frustrating for most of you because you don't know the details of my life right now and I am not willing to share them just yet. So as a bit of a disclaimer, this has nothing to do with Travis' family or Travis, but strictly my own side of things. Now we can begin...

A few weeks ago, I received a phone call from my mom that completely blew my mind away and at the time I was at birthday party so I had no chance to fully breakdown until we got home. I received news that a cousin dear to my heart had learned of her husband's infidelity. Just a few short days ago, I learned of another act of infidelity only this time, it involved the law, a minor, and someone even closer to me. Both of these incidences involve children and some of my most favorite people in the world. I am CRUSHED. I literally lay down at night sick with worry for all the little hearts breaking and all the pain caused by someone's selfish decisions. Worst part of this is that they all live so far away. I can't reach out like I want. These selfish acts are something that I am familiar with and my pain explodes as if it has happened to me all over again. Why do people have to be so crappy? Why do men have to love one and do another? I don't understand. One out of the two has even gone as far as to say that they 'had problems' as if that justifies his actions. Sorry religious people, but no act of God is going to fix these people. If you knew the situation, you would whole heartedly believe me. But thankfully those that have been victim to these idiots can find comfort with their Heavenly Father and they can know that at least one man in their lives will always remain faithful to His promises. Unfortunately, right now, I can't seem to find much comfort for myself. I am crushed with so many emotions from embarrassment to shame to sadness and anger. I wish time could fix what is broken but somehow I know that someone else will make these same mistakes somewhere in the world and innocent women and children will be hurt and I'm gonna feel it. Why is it so hard for people to just say 'I don't want to be with you' and just leave? Why break vows? Why break promises and destroy someone's self worth? I don't understand. I've been struggling with with the will to workout. I've been struggling with the will to eat right. I've been struggling with who my family really is. I've really been struggling. I could use a friend times 10. I need to find hope and motivation. I've continued to try to push myself into working out and I haven't given up but I do feel like giving in. I recognize that this is just a low point and it is a test of my strength. I know that I will endure and move past some of this. I know that part of this will be with me for a long time especially since one of them will be facing some hard jail time. I will have to dig deeper than I have in the past few weeks and I will have to hold on to the life that I am in control of. I can't fix what has been done to others but I can help heal and I can love. I know that my capacity to love is far greater than my capacity to hate. In the meantime, while I am sorting this all out in my heart and my mind, we need prayers and encouragement. We need love and understanding and above all else, we need our Heavenly Father.

Just let me be sad for awhile. 
Let me lack the inspiration you need.

Oh, and by the way, I am very close to breaking another weight loss goal for myself but I have noticed a slow down in weight loss the past 2 weeks. I have lost another inch off my waist and another off my hips so I know that things are working and my physical strength is there and my body is rejoicing! Let's hope the heart can do the same soon.