Sunday, July 24, 2011

Heart Break

The thing that people don't realize is that heart break is more than a one way street. The heart doesn't choose to be broken. We all know that if we had the choice we wouldn't let the most tender place in our body be ripped to shreds. Heart break is generally the cause of someone else's heartless body. It's human nature to inflict pain when we feel pain. Maybe this is a built in defensive maneuver. Eye for an eye, heart for a heart. Most times when we set out to break a heart, it most likely wasn't even the same heart that hurt us. It's unfortunate when we become the innocent target. Sometimes in life, we walk around shattered inside and are on the constant watch for some kind of healing methods that don't involve another's heart. I find it frustrating that when a heart breaks, inevitably it's another's heart that has the secret mending abilities. I would rather suffer the discomfort of stabbing shards then involve another potentially heart breaking situation. Personally. Sometimes we want to heal. Sometimes we internally beg ourselves to heal. We want to propel ourselves further into the future in hopes that we can sooner forget the past inflictions. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. After all the heart shattering experiences in my life, I have found that forgiveness is the first thing we must give ourselves. After we can pass the blame off of ourselves we then need to give the damage creating prick the gift of forgiveness.

 Bah. Bah. Bah. Bastard.
This is where it becomes heart incinerating. You will most likely feel the pieces of your heart turn to ash at this very thought. I know I do. Daily. We can't heal a broken heart until we find it somewhere inside to pass forgiveness on. 
Good Luck! Hell may just need to freeze over first for most of us...

But, this does pose a question for the universe. If a broken heart remains broken, it has the continual tendencies of breaking other's along the way. Remember, Eye for an Eye? How or what must come along to change the pattern of destruction? Is it really possible to find a personal savior in this world where having any amount of humanity or emotions makes you a weaker being? Is it possible that there really is someone for every part of your life? If so, I'm looking for that stepping stone. I need to get out and up on top of this life and it seems like my usual life jacket doesn't want to keep me floating along. Some days I am just so angry at myself for allowing someone to control my emotions. I would like to get to a point in my life where I can say I am breathing for myself. I am losing weight for me. I am putting make up on for me. I am doing all these thousands of thing for me. Instead I am still trying to make someone proud of me (He doesn't even talk to me, what the hell, right?). I am still trying to make the world love me for me and all of me no matter what weight I am or size I wear (okay, just one person maybe two, but still the world would be nice too.) I am still fishing for someone to tell me I am 'worthy' of her relationship (she takes my weight loss as a personal attack on her, so what's the point of trying to win over crazy? Right?). I feel like this life is a battle that I can't seem to surrender from. 

I wake up and plan my 'hypothetical' day out in my mind and then I actually wake up and realize that I am not able to do any of those things and quietly stumble back into my reality of cleaning, chasing, errands, exercise, and cooking. I need to get happy with this life or I need to stumble into a new one. Change is coming soon. I can feel it. I am ready. Impatiently ready.

And all because some chump breaks a girl's heart... does her world never rotate back into a steady orbit. 

(Call it dramatic, but I call it my existence, which happens to be a beautiful thing to some....right?)