Screw You. Love is Vague.

Ever run across people in the world who literally have a phobia of love? It can be simply, "No, don't love me" or more complex like, "Screw You! The last wench crushed my heart and I refuse to let anyone else do that again" (as if to say that we wenches are all alike). Sometimes we run across those that are screaming for love in all the wrong ways. There are the people that think the more skin they show, the quicker they are gonna get the attention and love they desire. There are those that play the pity me games too. You know the ones, "Oh, she broke my heart and all I did was love her and love her and love her" (these type generally are control freaks, don't fall for it). 

In life, we all desire love on some level. Some are in denial and play hard ass. Ultimately, they crumble under the supreme force and regret wasting all those years being so closed off to the possibilities. 

Then there is me. 

Little Ol' Me. 

I want love in all the right places from all the right sources at all the right times. I don't fear love. I don't yearn uncontrollably for it. It just is. I have a "Bring it ON!" mentality when it comes to love. I say write your love story on my pages. I say sing me a song and dance with me when the world is looking or when the door is closed. Pure unsheltered love in all forms feels clean and fresh to my soul. When touched with dirty selfish love I tend to want to sanitize my heart and be done with it faster than the moment I was inflicted upon. 

Recently, I've had all sorts of gross love poured on me and I wish I could just roll in bleach all damn day to rid myself of all of it. If you know the details, you know of what I speak. Today is my birthday and all day I can't seem to shake this idea of love. In all my 27 years, I can't say that I've had to live this kind of heartbreak over and over and over again except for in the last 4 years...

 I struggle with knowing where to go from here. Is it too much to ask Mr. Clean to come to my house and sweep me away on a well sanitized broom into the great clean atmosphere of pure love? Is it really too much to ask someone to pick me up and take me away? I don't feel like I am tainted. My soul is still pure. My intentions are still honest. My heart doesn't hurt terribly. I don't have regrets and I don't have a revengeful spirit. I just am. I have weathered through all the wrongs and I am on the other side feeling pretty great about myself and life.

 I have people in my life that I would clean dust bunnies for. I have people in my circle that I would roll in bleach if needed. I am purely certain that I love them all. I love them in all ways. I love them for who they are. I love some of them for the things they are not. I love the one that does me harm because ultimately, that is who I am. I don't have to love him the way he needs me to love him. Actually, most of you express concern that I am loving him more than he deserves but to you I say, Screw YOU! He's been my best friend and will always be. 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that we are both in it. There are people in my life that don't need to hear how I feel, and to you, I also say, SCREW YOU! I love you.

 Love is vague. Love encompasses so many different levels of emotions. I don't care if you think its wrong, love is pure on any and all levels. Love doesn't hurt so bad if you realize that we all love differently and to different intensities. He may say he loves me with all his heart, and maybe that is so. Maybe his heart isn't as strong as mine. Therefore, he couldn't possibly love as intensely. Is this an excuse? Absolutely freaking not. He's still a douche bag. 

I need an intensity to match my own and I hope that happens but I'm being realistic at this point. Am I rambling and making no sense? Probably so. But dammit. I've been arguing with myself all day and basically what it comes down to is we are all capable of love. 

Some can express it easily. Some hold back in fear of what others think. Some have never known love and struggle with the idea. Some have this idea that love should only exist between 2 people and that it isn't possible to love any others. Some people believe that there is no one great love and that we are all capable of loving anyone we choose. Some believe in that one great love and that outside of that it's impossible to move on. Some believe that love is the end all, be all to life while others believe that love is merely a chemical reaction and nothing more. 

Dammit people. I think we all should be open to loving all others in any capacity we are capable of. If the person we are with doesn't feel 'loved enough' than it's quite possible that that person may need to keep moving forward. If we are with someone who loves too strongly, it's also possible that we need to keep moving forward in our search. 

It's important to recognize that most relationships don't fail because the love ends. Relationships fail because the level of love no longer matches our expectations. 

Is it too much to ask for someone that makes me feel like enough? Too much to ask for someone to stay attracted to just me? Only me? Can I be enough yet? Can someone tell me that I'm enough for them? Now can you show me? I haven't given up yet. I haven't given in. I haven't checked out. I'm just patiently waiting for someone to give me the level of love I desire. Will it be him? I sure hope so. I internally beg for things to start moving in the right direction but you can't will the heart to go where it doesn't feel like it belongs. 

For now, we wait. 

In the mean time, I love you, dammit. Yes, all of you. 

Like it or not. I love you. Deserve it or not. I love you. 

Stop asking. 

Yes, I love you. 

Do I love someone else? 

I love millions of someone else's because that's the capacity of my heart. 

Screw you. 

Love can be vague. It is vague. It will forever be vague and I will forever keep my love vague until someone jumps in and says...ENOUGH! YOU ARE ENOUGH! Y'know what I mean? Probably not...

P90x 30 Day Progress

Why I Don't Need to Be Mormon

First off, let me tell you my 'religious' history. I've been Catholic, Lutheran, and Mormon. I was baptized at the age of 9 with the rest of my family in 1993. 18 years ago. I went because my parents went which is the classic case for most children. It felt right to me because doing church activities meant I wasn't at home being abused, put down, and/or slave driven to do adult labor building garages and yard work. When the "Spirit" dwelled in my home, it meant I got to survive another day and I got to know that somewhere in the Universe there was a man who loved me and wanted to comfort me and protect me. For years, I tried to seek Him out. I would find Him and hold on for dear life. I loved knowing that I was a daughter of someone who was more powerful than my own dad and that one day this higher power was going to bless my life. 

I still believe in a higher power, by the way. In fact, I feel more in touch now than ever before. 

The big problems started when I was around 13 years old and was dealing with the Foster System...yes, Social Services had taken custody of me during one of the times that I ran away from home because I feared for my life. During my stay in the Foster system, I was visited by Mormon members...mainly, priesthood holders who would tell me that I was disobedient. They would tell me all the commandments I was breaking and how I needed to yield to the priesthood in my home because it was what my Heavenly Father wanted. These members did not want to hear my side of the situation. They heard what 'he' had to say and it was my word against his. This is where the problems really started for me. Mormons believe in gaining answers through prayer. Then, tell me, why were they not getting the message right? Why was I made to suffer? Why were the actions of my father my punishments to have? If prayer was so powerful to these people, they would have prayed and known that my life was in danger. I obviously struggled with the church during those teen years. I was angry that they were so blind to the truth. I was angry that they believed I was so bad. I was angry that I was actually a good kid put into a bad situation that no one wanted to hear so yes, eventually, I tried all the things they accused me of being and quickly found out that I couldn't be any of those things. I couldn't do drugs. Gross. I couldn't be an alcoholic. Gross. I couldn't be a whore. I wanted love not sex and I knew  then the difference was clear. I couldn't be a law breaker. I don't even have a criminal record. Look it up. I've never even had a traffic ticket or car accident. On paper, I was really truly a good kid. I had dreams of being in the military and I knew that I needed to keep myself free and clear to do that. Obviously that didn't happen. Rhonny came into my life and I do believe this was meant to happen for me. If you know me, that time in my life I came back to church and tried to hit the reset button with many of the members that wronged me. I  went through forgiveness. I prayed. I overcame and thought that I was back into the swing of things according to the rules of being Mormon. Then Divorce happened and once again I was pushed aside as the one to blame. Once again, I was told to suck it up and stick to husband #1 because that is what the Lord has commanded. Once again, I was told to yield to the priesthood. The dude was in a mental hospital for trying to kill himself in front of my daughter. He was on drugs and pawning our stuff off to buy booze and cigarettes while we were left with no diapers or food. Really? You wanted me to stay? Because? I was treated with unbelievable disrespect after the divorce. I tried to maintain my active church status but when people you have known your whole life won't reach out and shake your hand or offer you support, you tend to lose the feeling of the spirit quite rapidly. I was wounded. I fell away, naturally. I stayed away for awhile. Most people tend to stay away from the things that hurt and I didn't need anyone telling me that I wasn't worthy to hold the blessings of my Father because I refused to stay in 2 abusive situations. I didn't need anyone telling me that I can't enter the Temple because I didn't have money to give the church when I was barely getting by for myself. In fact at one point in my history of the church, I seen the church pay the rent of a young gal and her children every month and I watched that chick run to the liquor store every night while she would dump her children off on me...that's what church funds paid for!!! And yet, here I was in my little apartment barely able to feed my family and being told that we were not eligible for assistance from our church..that at the time we were actively attending and holding callings for and paying tithing to. 

I understand the phrase, the church is true but the people aren't perfect. I get that. BUT! when you preach and preach to love one another and yet, you find yourselves judging and condemning others for the lives they live...it's called HYPOCRISY. There has been more and more of that all over the world. When I go to church that should be the last place I find HYPOCRISY. I live a good life. I have a huge heart. I volunteer my time and services to my community, friends, and family. I strive to be the best that I can be in all things in my life. I genuinely love with all my heart and just when I think I couldn't possibly love anymore I dig deeper within myself. I feel like I am a better person without the church in my life. I don't have a room full of people judging me. I don't have people thinking that I am not worthy to be in their presence. I don't have to worry about offending anyone. I can freely live my life without the fear of 'doing something wrong'. My intentions are honest. 

After spending a few years away from church and coming back to church with a new husband, I thought maybe I would finally gain some acceptance from members. I was right. I was absolutely right. They were welcoming of my new husband. They brought him into the little family and made him feel right at home....gave him some 'keys' and Ta-Da! I was 'loved'. Then...great wonderful husband went off and joined the military and left his wife and children home to go to church alone and suddenly the great big feeling of 'love' diminished. It was a long long winter of shoveling myself out because no one would answer their phones when I called for help. We went to church 5 Sundays in a row after Travis left, I received one hand shake and one hello every Sunday from a man who is no longer living. Something didn't seem right to me. Suddenly, without my man 'the key holder', I was no longer 'worthy' of fellowship. So I quit going and it was probably 3 months before anyone really noticed and by that time, I had moved on. Travis came home around that time and suddenly my phone was ringing constantly...from members nearly begging us to go back to church. Since that time, we tried to come back off and on and it just doesn't feel right anymore. I decided it was best to stay true to our own hearts and our own feelings than to subject ourselves to the desires of others. For years, I've thought the Gospel Principles to be wonderful but they are only wonderful if you spend your life living them out and not just preaching them. I've sat through so many lessons taught by people who constantly struggle with just the idea of being 'nice'. We all fall short of perfect, but when you openly tell people that you don't like to be nice...or you have a temper problem that involves having to buy a new set of dishes every few months, that is when it is time to step back and work on your own personal progress instead of making other's feel miserable in your presence. I believe that a higher power knows our intentions. He knows our hearts and our minds. He knows the hypocrisy. I should not have to explain my decisions to anyone. This 'religion' has wronged me through out my life. When I needed comfort, love, support, these were the people I tried to turn to in my hour of need...yet these were the people that wouldn't accept me at my most hurt. I would seek out the guidance and would be told to suffer...to suck it up. When life crashes again (because we all know it happens), the last place I know to go is 'church'. I won't be making this mistake again. In fact, the 2 people in my life that have been the most destructive towards me, will soon be welcomed back into the 'fold' while me and my family will be long forgotten and unprotected. Anyone who tells me to forgive (trust me, I've already had 3 people tell me to forgive the people who have disowned me so it's quite obvious to me that these people are being told a story of lies), can come and sit with me while I relive the stories of my youth and the nightmares that still haunt me at night. After the hours you spend walking in my shoes...you will understand.

I pray. I meditate. I am constantly changing and making myself better. I do all things with good intentions. I don't wish harm, hurt, destruction on anyone. At the first sign of need, I jump. I feel surrounded in love, comfort, and peace. I love our Earth and everything on it. At the end of the day, I know who my family and friends are and I keep them close in my thoughts and heart. My daughters are my world. I sacrifice daily so that they remain happy and provided for. I sense a strong connection to my calling as a wife and mother in this life and choose to dedicate my life completely to the task. I am most at peace surrounded by nature. I often wonder if my comfort is drawn from the energy of the Universe. I strongly believe that I do have a purpose in this life and that everything happens for a reason. I may not be able to understand everything that has happened in my life. I put the blame no where. I accept all of my past and work daily to learn and grow from it. The future looks beautiful to me because I refuse to bring my past with me even if that involves losing some people along the way. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, of the Universe, and of a mother who is strong. I have all that I need and as my needs change I am able to seek out positive solutions and surround myself with forces of good. If these things aren't good enough for you, than you can kindly walk out of my life instead of condemning me for my lack of conformity. I don't need a denominational church telling me that I am not worthy of blessings when clearly...my life is blessed.

This is just the short version of the answers you seek. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by going into detail of the many many terrible incidences, emails, and conversations that have led up to this point. 

I respect you for you. Please respect me for me.

Spewing

Freeing our soul of emotions...casting them out into the universe, can be the most cleansing experience. I've found that the more connected I am to my body the more connected I feel to something bigger than me. I am not even certain to what it is but I do know that it exists. The warmth and satisfaction that surrounds me on the hardest of days is a comfort to me. This could be God letting me know that I am loved and unforgotten. This could just be my own personal universe starting to make sense. I am on a much bigger mission. This just isn't about my health and what number the scale reads. This is a mission to love myself. To find myself. To BE myself. I am grateful for the few that keep me close to them. Somewhere in the midst of all my physical pain and emotional drama, some people have wound themselves into my story and I no longer really feel alone in this life. Even when hundreds of miles separate some of us, I still feel entwined. I love that I am finding discomfort casting my soul out and finding joy when I am able to pull it back. I love that I can come to this place and spew out words and see that people are actually reading this and on some level I am sliding through someone's mind and evoking an emotion, whether negative or positive. I'm nearing 2000 page views today. I can't help but wonder if anyone reading these thoughts have changed because of me. I am rarely ever right in my thinking. I stumble on my words. I trip on myself. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm never average and always a step behind understanding. I do, however, know what it's like to be down, out, on top, and stuck in the middle. Today, I'm on out and on top. I have a picture in my mind that I can't seem to shake and when my hands are free from responsibility, I can't wait to jump into a baggy sundress, let the wind run through my tangled curls, the sun beat on my freckled skin, and sit myself in my front yard with a brush in hand and an easel propped in front of me and let the world swallow me up in sweat and paint. My head will be a complete fog until I can explode these creative thoughts on a canvas board. Thank goodness I keep a journal and blog, otherwise, I would be a dangerous person. I still have yet to blog on my P90x progress, even after I said I was going to. Can I just not dwell on my physical self for awhile? I hope you agree when I say that for mental health, it's okay to step back on all the inches and pounds. I'm focusing all my energies on being strong in my exercises and clearing my mind of garbage so that I can let my body do it's thing even more accurately. Meditation. Study it. Try it. Find yourself some peace and happiness in a world filled with hurt and destruction. I can't say that I very good at meditation but I figure that it doesn't hurt to try and try again. Most of the time I don't have the patience to sit still for too long but 5 minutes is better than nothing and I get better everyday.

 I'm lost in random thoughts so rather than type anything and everything I am thinking, I'll just end this here and tell you all that I appreciate that you take the time to read 'me'. The question, 'Can I become my  own leading lady?'  ...is still in the works to being answered. I can say YES! but I think I need to feel it first.