Spewing

Freeing our soul of emotions...casting them out into the universe, can be the most cleansing experience. I've found that the more connected I am to my body the more connected I feel to something bigger than me. I am not even certain to what it is but I do know that it exists. The warmth and satisfaction that surrounds me on the hardest of days is a comfort to me. This could be God letting me know that I am loved and unforgotten. This could just be my own personal universe starting to make sense. I am on a much bigger mission. This just isn't about my health and what number the scale reads. This is a mission to love myself. To find myself. To BE myself. I am grateful for the few that keep me close to them. Somewhere in the midst of all my physical pain and emotional drama, some people have wound themselves into my story and I no longer really feel alone in this life. Even when hundreds of miles separate some of us, I still feel entwined. I love that I am finding discomfort casting my soul out and finding joy when I am able to pull it back. I love that I can come to this place and spew out words and see that people are actually reading this and on some level I am sliding through someone's mind and evoking an emotion, whether negative or positive. I'm nearing 2000 page views today. I can't help but wonder if anyone reading these thoughts have changed because of me. I am rarely ever right in my thinking. I stumble on my words. I trip on myself. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm never average and always a step behind understanding. I do, however, know what it's like to be down, out, on top, and stuck in the middle. Today, I'm on out and on top. I have a picture in my mind that I can't seem to shake and when my hands are free from responsibility, I can't wait to jump into a baggy sundress, let the wind run through my tangled curls, the sun beat on my freckled skin, and sit myself in my front yard with a brush in hand and an easel propped in front of me and let the world swallow me up in sweat and paint. My head will be a complete fog until I can explode these creative thoughts on a canvas board. Thank goodness I keep a journal and blog, otherwise, I would be a dangerous person. I still have yet to blog on my P90x progress, even after I said I was going to. Can I just not dwell on my physical self for awhile? I hope you agree when I say that for mental health, it's okay to step back on all the inches and pounds. I'm focusing all my energies on being strong in my exercises and clearing my mind of garbage so that I can let my body do it's thing even more accurately. Meditation. Study it. Try it. Find yourself some peace and happiness in a world filled with hurt and destruction. I can't say that I very good at meditation but I figure that it doesn't hurt to try and try again. Most of the time I don't have the patience to sit still for too long but 5 minutes is better than nothing and I get better everyday.

 I'm lost in random thoughts so rather than type anything and everything I am thinking, I'll just end this here and tell you all that I appreciate that you take the time to read 'me'. The question, 'Can I become my  own leading lady?'  ...is still in the works to being answered. I can say YES! but I think I need to feel it first.