Screw You. Love is Vague.

Ever run across people in the world who literally have a phobia of love? It can be simply, "No, don't love me" or more complex like, "Screw You! The last wench crushed my heart and I refuse to let anyone else do that again" (as if to say that we wenches are all alike). Sometimes we run across those that are screaming for love in all the wrong ways. There are the people that think the more skin they show, the quicker they are gonna get the attention and love they desire. There are those that play the pity me games too. You know the ones, "Oh, she broke my heart and all I did was love her and love her and love her" (these type generally are control freaks, don't fall for it). 

In life, we all desire love on some level. Some are in denial and play hard ass. Ultimately, they crumble under the supreme force and regret wasting all those years being so closed off to the possibilities. 

Then there is me. 

Little Ol' Me. 

I want love in all the right places from all the right sources at all the right times. I don't fear love. I don't yearn uncontrollably for it. It just is. I have a "Bring it ON!" mentality when it comes to love. I say write your love story on my pages. I say sing me a song and dance with me when the world is looking or when the door is closed. Pure unsheltered love in all forms feels clean and fresh to my soul. When touched with dirty selfish love I tend to want to sanitize my heart and be done with it faster than the moment I was inflicted upon. 

Recently, I've had all sorts of gross love poured on me and I wish I could just roll in bleach all damn day to rid myself of all of it. If you know the details, you know of what I speak. Today is my birthday and all day I can't seem to shake this idea of love. In all my 27 years, I can't say that I've had to live this kind of heartbreak over and over and over again except for in the last 4 years...

 I struggle with knowing where to go from here. Is it too much to ask Mr. Clean to come to my house and sweep me away on a well sanitized broom into the great clean atmosphere of pure love? Is it really too much to ask someone to pick me up and take me away? I don't feel like I am tainted. My soul is still pure. My intentions are still honest. My heart doesn't hurt terribly. I don't have regrets and I don't have a revengeful spirit. I just am. I have weathered through all the wrongs and I am on the other side feeling pretty great about myself and life.

 I have people in my life that I would clean dust bunnies for. I have people in my circle that I would roll in bleach if needed. I am purely certain that I love them all. I love them in all ways. I love them for who they are. I love some of them for the things they are not. I love the one that does me harm because ultimately, that is who I am. I don't have to love him the way he needs me to love him. Actually, most of you express concern that I am loving him more than he deserves but to you I say, Screw YOU! He's been my best friend and will always be. 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that we are both in it. There are people in my life that don't need to hear how I feel, and to you, I also say, SCREW YOU! I love you.

 Love is vague. Love encompasses so many different levels of emotions. I don't care if you think its wrong, love is pure on any and all levels. Love doesn't hurt so bad if you realize that we all love differently and to different intensities. He may say he loves me with all his heart, and maybe that is so. Maybe his heart isn't as strong as mine. Therefore, he couldn't possibly love as intensely. Is this an excuse? Absolutely freaking not. He's still a douche bag. 

I need an intensity to match my own and I hope that happens but I'm being realistic at this point. Am I rambling and making no sense? Probably so. But dammit. I've been arguing with myself all day and basically what it comes down to is we are all capable of love. 

Some can express it easily. Some hold back in fear of what others think. Some have never known love and struggle with the idea. Some have this idea that love should only exist between 2 people and that it isn't possible to love any others. Some people believe that there is no one great love and that we are all capable of loving anyone we choose. Some believe in that one great love and that outside of that it's impossible to move on. Some believe that love is the end all, be all to life while others believe that love is merely a chemical reaction and nothing more. 

Dammit people. I think we all should be open to loving all others in any capacity we are capable of. If the person we are with doesn't feel 'loved enough' than it's quite possible that that person may need to keep moving forward. If we are with someone who loves too strongly, it's also possible that we need to keep moving forward in our search. 

It's important to recognize that most relationships don't fail because the love ends. Relationships fail because the level of love no longer matches our expectations. 

Is it too much to ask for someone that makes me feel like enough? Too much to ask for someone to stay attracted to just me? Only me? Can I be enough yet? Can someone tell me that I'm enough for them? Now can you show me? I haven't given up yet. I haven't given in. I haven't checked out. I'm just patiently waiting for someone to give me the level of love I desire. Will it be him? I sure hope so. I internally beg for things to start moving in the right direction but you can't will the heart to go where it doesn't feel like it belongs. 

For now, we wait. 

In the mean time, I love you, dammit. Yes, all of you. 

Like it or not. I love you. Deserve it or not. I love you. 

Stop asking. 

Yes, I love you. 

Do I love someone else? 

I love millions of someone else's because that's the capacity of my heart. 

Screw you. 

Love can be vague. It is vague. It will forever be vague and I will forever keep my love vague until someone jumps in and says...ENOUGH! YOU ARE ENOUGH! Y'know what I mean? Probably not...

P90x 30 Day Progress

Why I Don't Need to Be Mormon

First off, let me tell you my 'religious' history. I've been Catholic, Lutheran, and Mormon. I was baptized at the age of 9 with the rest of my family in 1993. 18 years ago. I went because my parents went which is the classic case for most children. It felt right to me because doing church activities meant I wasn't at home being abused, put down, and/or slave driven to do adult labor building garages and yard work. When the "Spirit" dwelled in my home, it meant I got to survive another day and I got to know that somewhere in the Universe there was a man who loved me and wanted to comfort me and protect me. For years, I tried to seek Him out. I would find Him and hold on for dear life. I loved knowing that I was a daughter of someone who was more powerful than my own dad and that one day this higher power was going to bless my life. 

I still believe in a higher power, by the way. In fact, I feel more in touch now than ever before. 

The big problems started when I was around 13 years old and was dealing with the Foster System...yes, Social Services had taken custody of me during one of the times that I ran away from home because I feared for my life. During my stay in the Foster system, I was visited by Mormon members...mainly, priesthood holders who would tell me that I was disobedient. They would tell me all the commandments I was breaking and how I needed to yield to the priesthood in my home because it was what my Heavenly Father wanted. These members did not want to hear my side of the situation. They heard what 'he' had to say and it was my word against his. This is where the problems really started for me. Mormons believe in gaining answers through prayer. Then, tell me, why were they not getting the message right? Why was I made to suffer? Why were the actions of my father my punishments to have? If prayer was so powerful to these people, they would have prayed and known that my life was in danger. I obviously struggled with the church during those teen years. I was angry that they were so blind to the truth. I was angry that they believed I was so bad. I was angry that I was actually a good kid put into a bad situation that no one wanted to hear so yes, eventually, I tried all the things they accused me of being and quickly found out that I couldn't be any of those things. I couldn't do drugs. Gross. I couldn't be an alcoholic. Gross. I couldn't be a whore. I wanted love not sex and I knew  then the difference was clear. I couldn't be a law breaker. I don't even have a criminal record. Look it up. I've never even had a traffic ticket or car accident. On paper, I was really truly a good kid. I had dreams of being in the military and I knew that I needed to keep myself free and clear to do that. Obviously that didn't happen. Rhonny came into my life and I do believe this was meant to happen for me. If you know me, that time in my life I came back to church and tried to hit the reset button with many of the members that wronged me. I  went through forgiveness. I prayed. I overcame and thought that I was back into the swing of things according to the rules of being Mormon. Then Divorce happened and once again I was pushed aside as the one to blame. Once again, I was told to suck it up and stick to husband #1 because that is what the Lord has commanded. Once again, I was told to yield to the priesthood. The dude was in a mental hospital for trying to kill himself in front of my daughter. He was on drugs and pawning our stuff off to buy booze and cigarettes while we were left with no diapers or food. Really? You wanted me to stay? Because? I was treated with unbelievable disrespect after the divorce. I tried to maintain my active church status but when people you have known your whole life won't reach out and shake your hand or offer you support, you tend to lose the feeling of the spirit quite rapidly. I was wounded. I fell away, naturally. I stayed away for awhile. Most people tend to stay away from the things that hurt and I didn't need anyone telling me that I wasn't worthy to hold the blessings of my Father because I refused to stay in 2 abusive situations. I didn't need anyone telling me that I can't enter the Temple because I didn't have money to give the church when I was barely getting by for myself. In fact at one point in my history of the church, I seen the church pay the rent of a young gal and her children every month and I watched that chick run to the liquor store every night while she would dump her children off on me...that's what church funds paid for!!! And yet, here I was in my little apartment barely able to feed my family and being told that we were not eligible for assistance from our church..that at the time we were actively attending and holding callings for and paying tithing to. 

I understand the phrase, the church is true but the people aren't perfect. I get that. BUT! when you preach and preach to love one another and yet, you find yourselves judging and condemning others for the lives they live...it's called HYPOCRISY. There has been more and more of that all over the world. When I go to church that should be the last place I find HYPOCRISY. I live a good life. I have a huge heart. I volunteer my time and services to my community, friends, and family. I strive to be the best that I can be in all things in my life. I genuinely love with all my heart and just when I think I couldn't possibly love anymore I dig deeper within myself. I feel like I am a better person without the church in my life. I don't have a room full of people judging me. I don't have people thinking that I am not worthy to be in their presence. I don't have to worry about offending anyone. I can freely live my life without the fear of 'doing something wrong'. My intentions are honest. 

After spending a few years away from church and coming back to church with a new husband, I thought maybe I would finally gain some acceptance from members. I was right. I was absolutely right. They were welcoming of my new husband. They brought him into the little family and made him feel right at home....gave him some 'keys' and Ta-Da! I was 'loved'. Then...great wonderful husband went off and joined the military and left his wife and children home to go to church alone and suddenly the great big feeling of 'love' diminished. It was a long long winter of shoveling myself out because no one would answer their phones when I called for help. We went to church 5 Sundays in a row after Travis left, I received one hand shake and one hello every Sunday from a man who is no longer living. Something didn't seem right to me. Suddenly, without my man 'the key holder', I was no longer 'worthy' of fellowship. So I quit going and it was probably 3 months before anyone really noticed and by that time, I had moved on. Travis came home around that time and suddenly my phone was ringing constantly...from members nearly begging us to go back to church. Since that time, we tried to come back off and on and it just doesn't feel right anymore. I decided it was best to stay true to our own hearts and our own feelings than to subject ourselves to the desires of others. For years, I've thought the Gospel Principles to be wonderful but they are only wonderful if you spend your life living them out and not just preaching them. I've sat through so many lessons taught by people who constantly struggle with just the idea of being 'nice'. We all fall short of perfect, but when you openly tell people that you don't like to be nice...or you have a temper problem that involves having to buy a new set of dishes every few months, that is when it is time to step back and work on your own personal progress instead of making other's feel miserable in your presence. I believe that a higher power knows our intentions. He knows our hearts and our minds. He knows the hypocrisy. I should not have to explain my decisions to anyone. This 'religion' has wronged me through out my life. When I needed comfort, love, support, these were the people I tried to turn to in my hour of need...yet these were the people that wouldn't accept me at my most hurt. I would seek out the guidance and would be told to suffer...to suck it up. When life crashes again (because we all know it happens), the last place I know to go is 'church'. I won't be making this mistake again. In fact, the 2 people in my life that have been the most destructive towards me, will soon be welcomed back into the 'fold' while me and my family will be long forgotten and unprotected. Anyone who tells me to forgive (trust me, I've already had 3 people tell me to forgive the people who have disowned me so it's quite obvious to me that these people are being told a story of lies), can come and sit with me while I relive the stories of my youth and the nightmares that still haunt me at night. After the hours you spend walking in my shoes...you will understand.

I pray. I meditate. I am constantly changing and making myself better. I do all things with good intentions. I don't wish harm, hurt, destruction on anyone. At the first sign of need, I jump. I feel surrounded in love, comfort, and peace. I love our Earth and everything on it. At the end of the day, I know who my family and friends are and I keep them close in my thoughts and heart. My daughters are my world. I sacrifice daily so that they remain happy and provided for. I sense a strong connection to my calling as a wife and mother in this life and choose to dedicate my life completely to the task. I am most at peace surrounded by nature. I often wonder if my comfort is drawn from the energy of the Universe. I strongly believe that I do have a purpose in this life and that everything happens for a reason. I may not be able to understand everything that has happened in my life. I put the blame no where. I accept all of my past and work daily to learn and grow from it. The future looks beautiful to me because I refuse to bring my past with me even if that involves losing some people along the way. I am a daughter of Heavenly Father, of the Universe, and of a mother who is strong. I have all that I need and as my needs change I am able to seek out positive solutions and surround myself with forces of good. If these things aren't good enough for you, than you can kindly walk out of my life instead of condemning me for my lack of conformity. I don't need a denominational church telling me that I am not worthy of blessings when clearly...my life is blessed.

This is just the short version of the answers you seek. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings by going into detail of the many many terrible incidences, emails, and conversations that have led up to this point. 

I respect you for you. Please respect me for me.

Spewing

Freeing our soul of emotions...casting them out into the universe, can be the most cleansing experience. I've found that the more connected I am to my body the more connected I feel to something bigger than me. I am not even certain to what it is but I do know that it exists. The warmth and satisfaction that surrounds me on the hardest of days is a comfort to me. This could be God letting me know that I am loved and unforgotten. This could just be my own personal universe starting to make sense. I am on a much bigger mission. This just isn't about my health and what number the scale reads. This is a mission to love myself. To find myself. To BE myself. I am grateful for the few that keep me close to them. Somewhere in the midst of all my physical pain and emotional drama, some people have wound themselves into my story and I no longer really feel alone in this life. Even when hundreds of miles separate some of us, I still feel entwined. I love that I am finding discomfort casting my soul out and finding joy when I am able to pull it back. I love that I can come to this place and spew out words and see that people are actually reading this and on some level I am sliding through someone's mind and evoking an emotion, whether negative or positive. I'm nearing 2000 page views today. I can't help but wonder if anyone reading these thoughts have changed because of me. I am rarely ever right in my thinking. I stumble on my words. I trip on myself. I'm hot. I'm cold. I'm never average and always a step behind understanding. I do, however, know what it's like to be down, out, on top, and stuck in the middle. Today, I'm on out and on top. I have a picture in my mind that I can't seem to shake and when my hands are free from responsibility, I can't wait to jump into a baggy sundress, let the wind run through my tangled curls, the sun beat on my freckled skin, and sit myself in my front yard with a brush in hand and an easel propped in front of me and let the world swallow me up in sweat and paint. My head will be a complete fog until I can explode these creative thoughts on a canvas board. Thank goodness I keep a journal and blog, otherwise, I would be a dangerous person. I still have yet to blog on my P90x progress, even after I said I was going to. Can I just not dwell on my physical self for awhile? I hope you agree when I say that for mental health, it's okay to step back on all the inches and pounds. I'm focusing all my energies on being strong in my exercises and clearing my mind of garbage so that I can let my body do it's thing even more accurately. Meditation. Study it. Try it. Find yourself some peace and happiness in a world filled with hurt and destruction. I can't say that I very good at meditation but I figure that it doesn't hurt to try and try again. Most of the time I don't have the patience to sit still for too long but 5 minutes is better than nothing and I get better everyday.

 I'm lost in random thoughts so rather than type anything and everything I am thinking, I'll just end this here and tell you all that I appreciate that you take the time to read 'me'. The question, 'Can I become my  own leading lady?'  ...is still in the works to being answered. I can say YES! but I think I need to feel it first. 

Mowing for 3 hours is Good for the Soul.

Amazing clarity can be attained while mowing the lawn on a hot summer day for 3 hours. After your body has become numb from the heat and strain, your mind is free to think of something besides the pain in your muscles and the sweat in your eyes. I started thinking about what the most valuable lesson I've learned in my life from my parents was. I played around with the usual things like 'hard work' and 'honesty' and 'commitment' and quickly decided that wasn't working for me. I moved to things like 'how to fish' and 'how to garden' and 'how to cook' and relative to the moment, 'how to mow'. I quickly realized that wasn't really going to work for me either. Then I thought of everything I couldn't stand as a child and realized the answer was probably pretty simple for me. I learned at a young age that when you start something...you following it through to the end. If I were to pick one largely valuable lesson from my life, this would be it. Finish what you start. Always. No excuses. Just do it. Even if it fails, FINISH IT! With the exception of maybe one or two things in my life, I do believe this is something I enjoy doing. I look around my house and I know that whatever I have set out to do, I have finished. I hope that this screams out loud and clear to my children. I hope that subconsciously they take my one great skill and can magnify it into something beautiful in their own lives. The only real reason this came to me while I was mowing was because at the moment, I was 2 hours into the job, completely miserable doing a job that someone else was suppose to finish a few weeks ago. I would have been done at the 2 hour mark. I could have called it quits and said I did my part but I looked at those tall tall weeds hovering over my head and said...Screw it. I'm going to finish what was started. So many times in the last 4 years, I whine and moan and scream and cry over all the things that never get finished. I cannot change that the worse part of him happens to be the best part of me. I also cannot change the fact that I only finish what I start...Oh, wait! Why can't I change this? So many of my daily stressers happen to be seeing all these small projects that never get completed...examples being the door trim that is partly painted with painters tape still around it from well over a year ago, the door that was primed but never painted, the rug that sits on my porch waiting to be taken to the basement since being put there over a month ago. I complain about them not being done and never do anything about it. Part of this is programming. I didn't start it, why should I finish it? Dad always said finish what YOU start. In doing just that, I actual thrive on accomplishments. I will literally paint a picture in a day because I love the feeling of the end. I love a good ending. Movies. Books. Crafts. Dinner. A good ending is one of my necessities. The thought of finishing what someone else started seems just...wrong. Why would I want to steal someone else's sense of accomplishment? Why would I want to take over someone else's 'job well done'? I guess at some point in our lives we do need to take charge. We just do. These things have been pissing me off for far too long. So in hour 3 of mowing the lawn, I fought over myself whether I should be doing what I was doing. After I was done, I knew I did what was right for me. It's one less thing to evoke negative feelings plus it's one big thing I can say that I I I I MEE MEEE MEE I I I finished. I did it. I am woman, hear me roar, hiss, and purr. I feel great having done something from start to finish. He doesn't get to go to bed feeling like I do. He doesn't get to feel accomplished. He doesn't get to feel his muscles ache and burn and know that they will be stronger because of the work they did. I really really mentally was struggling tho. I don't like to be the enabling type. I don't like being the over achiever. I don't want anyone thinking they can half-ass their way around me because they think I will pick up the slack. I would rather have others learn the importance of finishing what they start. Sometime the hard work, the sweat, the pain, it's part of the process to get to where we ultimately want to be. Sometimes we got to get uncomfortable to be happy. I love this about me. I love that my daughters are going to grow up with a mother who is capable. I feel like if it wasn't for this one lesson in my life I would not be where I am in my journey to get fit and healthy. I reached my original goal weight a few weeks ago and even contemplated the thought of getting comfortable with that but have since determined that my body is capable of becoming even more powerful and even more healthy. I want to be around a long time. I want to comfortably see my daughters grow up and become wives, mothers, grandmothers. I want to finish this life all the way to the end. I don't need the easy way out. I don't need someone to do it for me. I just need to power through. Push the limits and the limits will soon stop pushing back and we get to feel the greater sense of accomplishment. Right? Hope so! 

So the lesson here is this...take the thunder from someone today. Show them how freaking bad ass you are and let them feel inadequate. And just when you think once is enough, do it again and again and again and again. You hopefully soon will teach someone that feeling accomplished is way better than feeling weak. Seriously. Finish everything you start. Teach your children the same. Engrave it on them because someday they will be someone else's spouse, parent, grandparent... 

You really want someone else stealing your children's accomplishments?

Probably. Not.

Also, take this lesson and apply it to your health, your own weight loss goals, and/or athletic goals. It might feel terrible to start something that you feel you already lost. You are only sabotaging yourself with negativity. Tell yourself you can. Fill your mind with the sense of accomplishment. Take on something challenging and finish it and tell me that you don't feel great. Hold on to that feeling and apply it to your everyday life. Pick an exercise and everyday go that extra distance. Pick your favorite bad food or habit and eliminate it completely and think of the money, the fat, the calories that you are saving yourself from. When you look in the mirror and you see less and less of that old person and more and more of the new person, you will know you are winning. You will know you are accomplishing something. You will know that your not just talking, your changing, and your children and family and friends are going to take notice and they are going to want to do the same and feel the same. 

FINISH WHAT YOU START!!!

or I'm going to show up and steal that 'feel good' moment.

(after I finish everything else in my life that he started first.)

You deserve a happy ending.

Tears

Hello Universe!?!? What's the purpose of 'tears' if you don't feel any better after they have fallen? What's the point of being capable of falling down on the ground and getting back up if the laws of gravity are going to pull you down anyway? Sometimes this life is driven by the things that don't make sense. Sometimes 'laws' need to be broken. Sometimes theories don't apply to everyone. Sometimes human nature isn't the force that pushes us to do things. Sometimes the things we are capable of, like tears, make no real damn sense but are somehow suppose to be the product of a cure for sadness. When we cry alone, no one is there to give you a hug, a pat on the back, to tell you it's okay, or to hand you a Kleenex. It's almost like an insult to injury, especially if the tears are tears of loneliness. It's possible for tears to actually make a person feel worse. No one likes to feel weak. Many of us don't cry. Many of us are taught that it's not right to cry. Many of us are told to 'suck it up' so much in our lives that when it comes to tears, they just don't fall. But then! suddenly something breaks every once in awhile. A brick gets soft and self com-busts and the wall starts coming down. The floodgates release and there we are, drowning in our very own salty ocean. These could be tears of pure joy and accomplishment or they can be the dark tears of a crushed soul. Either way, for some of us, these tears suck in a big way. The more we hope for them to end, the more they fall. In this world of technology, we can reach out to just about anyone at any time and feel a connection to someone that may pull us out of the funk. The curse of technology is that most people don't know the physical emotions of the person on the other end of the connection. You can't see someone crying in a message. You can't see someone being destroyed when it is so easy to type 'lol' after everything. I guess the curse of technology is also a beautiful thing for those that like to hide weakness. I wonder if and when it will ever become acceptable for someone to walk down the street covered in tears and distortion and not be ignored by the world. I wonder when it will be okay for people to reach out to others on a deeper level instead of skimming the surface like glass cleaner on a window. Sometimes glass needs more than a good wash. Sometimes it just needs to be replaced before that knick turns into a crack and that crack turns into shattered pieces of glass in-bedded into someone else's flesh. I wonder what it would take to get people to start connecting beyond the surface and from out behind a screen and keyboard. Don't you ever just miss the human touch? Don't you ever want to look into someone's eyes to see if they are really listening? really caring? telling the truth? Doesn't anyone else miss that? I spend a few hours a day with a few people behind a computer monitor. Uplifting, inspiring, motivating, just listening and comforting....what ever it takes to keep them going on the healthy choices and lifestyles they desire and a lot of the time, our mental health is what keeps us from having the body we so desire. We would rather eat than sweat. It's true for most of us. We would rather eat than confront the thing going on below the surface. It's emotionally draining to hear other's suffer and to be stuck behind a monitor when you really would rather just be there with them. I feel so limited. I feel so much and I think sometimes I am one big cluster F of emotions that is ready to explode on the next person that actually pays attention. 

Tears. Tears. Tears. 

I wish I was 'enough' to everyone that matters.

Maybe somehow typing this and knowing that people will read it may make me feel better in someway. Maybe it will make you feel better in someway...knowing that there is still heart in the world, you are not alone, and most importantly, I do take the time to care about just about everyone. 

Today I might be weak, but tomorrow I will be stronger because of it.

Take that positive thought with you too, when you fall down. 

It helps me get back on firmer foundation much quicker.

Heart Break

The thing that people don't realize is that heart break is more than a one way street. The heart doesn't choose to be broken. We all know that if we had the choice we wouldn't let the most tender place in our body be ripped to shreds. Heart break is generally the cause of someone else's heartless body. It's human nature to inflict pain when we feel pain. Maybe this is a built in defensive maneuver. Eye for an eye, heart for a heart. Most times when we set out to break a heart, it most likely wasn't even the same heart that hurt us. It's unfortunate when we become the innocent target. Sometimes in life, we walk around shattered inside and are on the constant watch for some kind of healing methods that don't involve another's heart. I find it frustrating that when a heart breaks, inevitably it's another's heart that has the secret mending abilities. I would rather suffer the discomfort of stabbing shards then involve another potentially heart breaking situation. Personally. Sometimes we want to heal. Sometimes we internally beg ourselves to heal. We want to propel ourselves further into the future in hopes that we can sooner forget the past inflictions. Unfortunately, it doesn't work like that. After all the heart shattering experiences in my life, I have found that forgiveness is the first thing we must give ourselves. After we can pass the blame off of ourselves we then need to give the damage creating prick the gift of forgiveness.

 Bah. Bah. Bah. Bastard.

This is where it becomes heart incinerating. You will most likely feel the pieces of your heart turn to ash at this very thought. I know I do. Daily. We can't heal a broken heart until we find it somewhere inside to pass forgiveness on. 

Good Luck! Hell may just need to freeze over first for most of us...

But, this does pose a question for the universe. If a broken heart remains broken, it has the continual tendencies of breaking other's along the way. Remember, Eye for an Eye? How or what must come along to change the pattern of destruction? Is it really possible to find a personal savior in this world where having any amount of humanity or emotions makes you a weaker being? Is it possible that there really is someone for every part of your life? If so, I'm looking for that stepping stone. I need to get out and up on top of this life and it seems like my usual life jacket doesn't want to keep me floating along. Some days I am just so angry at myself for allowing someone to control my emotions. I would like to get to a point in my life where I can say I am breathing for myself. I am losing weight for me. I am putting make up on for me. I am doing all these thousands of thing for me. Instead I am still trying to make someone proud of me (He doesn't even talk to me, what the hell, right?). I am still trying to make the world love me for me and all of me no matter what weight I am or size I wear (okay, just one person maybe two, but still the world would be nice too.) I am still fishing for someone to tell me I am 'worthy' of her relationship (she takes my weight loss as a personal attack on her, so what's the point of trying to win over crazy? Right?). I feel like this life is a battle that I can't seem to surrender from. 

I wake up and plan my 'hypothetical' day out in my mind and then I actually wake up and realize that I am not able to do any of those things and quietly stumble back into my reality of cleaning, chasing, errands, exercise, and cooking. I need to get happy with this life or I need to stumble into a new one. Change is coming soon. I can feel it. I am ready. Impatiently ready.

And all because some chump breaks a girl's heart... does her world never rotate back into a steady orbit. 

(Call it dramatic, but I call it my existence, which happens to be a beautiful thing to some....right?)

I can do that? Seriously?

Wow. Time flies when you are busy! I don't even know when the last time I blogged was. I can't even remember what I blogged about. If you follow me on Facebook or MFP (again, if you haven't already, I suggest everyone to join My Fitness Pal), then you know that I started P90x 5 days ago. I also recently completed 9.6 miles running with no walking/no breaking in the rain. Yes, in the freaking rain. It was a cold, wet and lonely start and by the time I was finished I was still wet but instead of rain falling from the sky, I was drowning in my own sweat and wishing to feel some type of cool breeze which never came. I conquered myself that day. In fact, I set out to break my 8 mile wall. (If you don't know about a 'runner's wall'...it's the point at which you can no longer run but want to, pretty much.) I crushed that wall and with that run, I had decided that I was capable of doing more. I think this was my epiphany. I realized that day that I kept setting limits for myself sub-consciously. I kept telling myself that I can't do anything harder than Jillian. I can't lift anything more than 8 lb weights. I can. In the last 5 days, I've proven to myself that I can. I started P90x which I kept telling myself I wouldn't start until I was at goal weight. Well, goal weight was eluding me for too long as I was struggling with a 4 week weight plateau. I know from experience that when I plateau, it is time to eat more and switch up the routines. What better time to start! I took a few days off to enjoy the company of family that was visiting and as soon as my house was quiet, I took on P90x. In 5 days, it has changed me and the way I think of myself. I heard all the stories of how this was going to kick my ass. I got all the comments about how I should really wait until I could pass the fit test. I read all the experiences of people that couldn't complete it because it was just too hard. I was terrified. Not gonna lie. I was TERRIFIED! I watched the workouts every night before doing them the next morning and every night I would dream of pain and failure and wake up feeling defeated before I had even begun. Just as I have done previously, I took 5 minutes before every exercise and focused my energies on the muscles that I was about to work and cleared my mind of everything. From the moment I pushed play to the moment when I was finished, I gave it my all. I kept up to their reps. I used 10!!! lb weights and found that 10 was not enough for some of the exercises. After wasting all that energy being terrified, I was rocking these workouts. I mean, seriously, rocking these workouts. I can say that I am proud of the work I am doing. I can say that I can. I can. I can. AND! I will. I can't wait to share all my before and after pictures when I finish this program. I am doing so much lately that I never knew I was capable of. I am enjoying this new body and it's abilities. It's fun to wake up and wonder to yourself what will happen today that you couldn't do yesterday. I need to find a new balance. Yes, I love exercise. Yes, I love my family. Yes, I love love love so much. But lately, I haven't had the time to write and writing used to be my own personal mental therapy. I am going to struggle, I am sure, to find the time to make it happen. I just gotta! I can. I will. Don't be surprised if you see more posts from me in the near future. The beauty in this past week has been finding out that I am worth even more than I was prior to starting the new program. I don't get to run as much as I would like but at this point I am ready for a challenge and part of this challenge is sacrificing my love of running to get into even better shape to give my runs even more than I could before. Positive thoughts, keep them coming!!! I feel a good change coming on my horizon. I even managed to break my plateau where I am happily and currently at 148 lbs! Goal being 140 by the end of my 90 days. I got this!!!

The lesson here is this: Don't limit yourself. Make yourself do something new everyday. If you fail at first, don't assume that you will never be able to do whatever it is you are trying. Be sure to revisit prior challenges. It's the best way to see yourself progress. I've been so excited seeing everyone getting motivated and pushing themselves into a new lifestyle. I am here for all of you who are starting out. I got lots of opinions and advice and stories to keep you going and trying something new everyday. I am just one message away.

My Best Worst Week Ever.

It all started last week, actually. It was time to get ready for the first of many family weekend getaways planned for the summer. It would be my FIRST weekend getaway in my new body living my new lifestyle and it was going to require a swimsuit and no fast food!!! I spent the week preparing myself and at times, I kept beating myself up. I tried on swimsuit after swimsuit of which I am sure most looked great but my judging eyes were saying different. I planned out all the weekend meals...4 times. I shopped, tried on, and successfully acquired a new wardrobe that fits in sizes that I can approve of. I planned my exercise routines...4 times. I was prepared to face hard decisions in regards to food and peer pressure from family members. My girls were full of excitement as packed bags and coolers were being loaded in the van. What an adventure! We were off to participate in a family drill weekend. (For those that don't know, my husband is a Reservist for the US Navy) The hotel was a blast for the girls. Gladys was a fish in the pool and soaked up every bit of water she could...seriously, you should have seen her hands and feet! Rhonny, naturally, cried every time we had to get out and continued to harass the rest of us by asking when we could go back...over and over and over again. It seemed the weekend had turned into a giant pool party. I was grateful for that. It left me able to partake of all the food we had packed instead of dealing with the rest of my family begging for food at every fast food sign we would have seen had we been out sight seeing and shopping. In all the excitement, I had to forego exercise routines to handle the girls. It seemed the excitement was a little much for anyone else other than me to deal with. I was okay with it. I don't very often get to see my girls out of our daily routine and it was fun to just enjoy their company. I did, however, sneak a run in Saturday in the hotel gym. I was spoiled with their treadmills and now wish to be able to afford ourselves a new one at home. I got in 5 miles! and felt amazingly at ease with how the weekend was going. I got to eat Jimmy John's and stay within my calorie allowance for the day on Friday. I got to eat an Italian lunch catered in for the families on base AND have IHop for supper and still had several hundred calories left over at the end of the day on Saturday. Sunday I ate mostly junk as a treat to myself for doing so well. The weekend, overall, had taught me that I can life this new life anywhere I might be. I also had a few self esteem boosters along the way. Who doesn't love getting 'looked over' by a man in uniform? Seriously? And while at the pool for one last  time Sunday morning, I got to be the 'skinny' mom getting the dirty looks from the not so skinny moms and when Rhonny told me that I was the prettiest mom in the whole hotel, her little pool friend agreed and was then dragged out of the pool by her mother and quickly rushed down the hall. Yup, Sunday was ending on excellent note. Before leaving the Cities, we went on the hunt for a fancy mouse to replace one that had died recently. I promised Rhonny a replacement and she was determined to find the perfect one. I was determined to find a female. In our efforts, I lost. I guess pet stores don't carry females but they did carry what my daughter found to be the perfect one (after being at 4 different stores). So we came home with a red-eyed white and brown fancy BOY mouse, named Mr. Bubbles. When we came home, we thought for sure that our cat, Cuddles would have had her kitties but being the good cat she is, she waited. So Sunday night left us with a new mouse and no new kitties and my self esteem and confidence in good spirits. Now...on to Monday!

Monday was like any day after a long weekend. We all were exhausted. There was housework, laundry, and bags to be unpacked. Naturally, I love to avoid such things and decided we should continue our family fun weekend into the week by heading out to park where I could work off some calories by getting in a good long hard run. Ma and Pa met us at the park around 2 p.m. and off I went running! I accomplished a 5 mile run and another mile doing 6 sprints. I was feeling on top of myself and any damage I may have done over the weekend by not exercising as much as I normally would have. When we got to the park, Gladys was doing good but by the time my run had ended (luckily it was one of best times at only 45 minutes) she was starting to feel warm but was still in a great mood as I let her run around the playground. We decided on heading up to Ma and Pa's for a cool down and play time. We got there about 3:30 and Gladys' temp was on the rise and before I could get her Tylenol or take her temp, she had turned unresponsive and started to seizure at around 4:45. In a race against time, I gathered the diaper bag, my mom and left everyone else behind, as I drove the longest short drive of my life to the hospital. I knew running into the ER that she was seizing. As someone who has had several seizures, I was in complete agony knowing that this was out of my hands. I was able to tell the nurse right away that she was seizing and they were able to get her the meds she needed. Her temp had only risen to 102!!! I was always told that seizures happen when the temps are much higher. I was more panicked then because I thought there could be a chance that something else was going on. The doctors and nurses than explained that this was 'common' and I was able to get a grip on the situation and as calm as I could be for my baby. I am told that they are unconscious during a seizure and won't have a memory of it but my personal situation was not so. I do remember those times and I was even more worried that they might be wrong and my poor Gladys would have memories of this time. An hour had passed before her seizure had finally stopped. It was quite possibly the longest hour of my life (minus the hour I spent pushing her into this world unmedicated). We prayed and cried and soothed her. She was blessed by a couple of great men. She slept for hours and hours. Her CT scan and blood work all returned normal and so we sat and played the waiting game in the hospital. She slept what seemed like forever and I pleaded for her to just give me some response that she knew I was there. Once she woke up with such a blank expression and gave me no signs that she even knew I existed and I was immediately more depressed. A few more hours slowly crept by and finally! she sat up and rubbed her eyes and reached up for me out of her hospital crib and I could have just cried and waled on for hours at the point. By the stronger part of me, grabbed up my little angel and never wanted to let go. It's funny how you know your kids are precious to you but it doesn't really sink in until something sad and desperate happens. We have always been blessed to have Rhonny always in good health. As a parent, I have never experienced my own children go through anything traumatic and now that I have this experience, I don't wish for another. I went through hours of blaming myself and feeling like the worst parent on Earth but in the second it took for her to open her eyes and reach out for me, just me, I knew that I had done no wrong in parenting her. She loves me unconditionally, just as my Heavenly Father loves me unconditionally. I knew that this was just going to be another lesson in my book of life. I've learned a new level of appreciation for many small things. Any response from Gladys this week, is a response of life, whether bad or good. A response is a response. Until you go hours sitting with a child who is completely unresponsive towards you, you don't know how precious even a scream of anger really is. They closely monitored her temperature and kept her on Ibu's and Tylenol, put her on an IV and most importantly, they stroked her hair and whispered comments of hope and love to her every time they came in to check her vitals. We were very blessed to deal with a loving bunch of nurses. We felt very cared for in our over night stay. They were prompt and had no complaints when I asked over and over and over again for another temp check. We were released Tuesday morning with the explanation that she more than likely has a virus and to keep her medicated until her fever is gone. Tuesday and Wednesday were long sleepless days for me. I medicated her every 3 hours and checked her temp every hour. It would spike at 102 and drop to 100 over and over again. I kept my phone close and her even closer. So much paranoia and worry in one person is NOT good. I was eating well or sleeping. I definitely wasn't exercising and the stress of the situation was taking over and I had had enough! So I rounded up the family, grabbed all the chocolate junk food and a hand full of musicals and we had a slumber party in my room. Unfortunately Gladys temp was on the rise again that night (Wednesday) and I was a mess trying to hold together a fun night as promised. Somewhere between Grease and Viva Las Vegas, her temp was coming down and she had fallen asleep. I stayed awake most of that night and monitored her temp and watched it come down every hour until morning when finally it was normal again for the first time in days. So Thursday I was determined to make the most of it. It started out at the hospital. Gladys did very well during an EEG test. We came home and she napped so well that I was able to run 4 miles. By afternoon, Gladys temp was still normal so we were off to do some much needed grocery shopping and planned an early Father's Day celebration for Travis. The girls worked very hard at wrapping and decorating a present for their daddy and I just sat and watched and was completely grateful to have a happy healthy moment with them both. I didn't even care than Glady was covering herself in marker. I was just so happy to see her giggling and back to some version of her normal self. The night went on to be great as we took Daddy to Fiesta Mexicana and came home to have ice cream treats and bath time and a decent bed time for all. I woke this Friday morning, feeling a bit more human. I may never catch up on sleep. I can deal that it. My Gladys is healthy today, even if we spent a few hours overnight dealing with screaming and thrashing. I assume her tummy is all sorts of messed up being on those meds and refusing foods. I knew she was back to her devilish ways this morning when she decided to scour every drawer in the house for more kitties. She meow and meowed her little heart out, trying to discover new kitties. Wondering why? Because amidst all this week's chaos, Wednesday we were honored with 4 new kitties! Cuddles is now a proud mommy of 3 calico and 1 black and white kitty. They are doing great! We knew she was in labor Wednesday A.M. and half way through the day she disappeared on us and we had to search the whole house for her and after giving up for about an hour, I had decided it was time to get more thorough and recruited Rhonny in checking cupboards and drawers and TA DA, we found her with her new babies in Rhonny's dresser. So now, Gladys believes if she keeps looking, she might discover her own little family of meow meows. So fun. Also, this morning, she went to the fridge and pulled out left over potato wedges and ketchup and tossed them on her highchair tray and then proceeded to crawl on my dining room chair and on the table and crawled across to attempt to get in her highchair. I, again, watched and was just so pleased to see her doing things that she normally would be doing. I may have spent hours complaining about how she would get herself into such trouble but  I am now just so appreciative to have her with us and healthy!!! She may get her own way for just a few more days. I look forward to returning to some form of normalcy again. Right now I am still a ball of stress and worry and probably will be until we get all her testing and results back. Today I was able to run while she napped and I could feel the stress melt away the faster and harder I pushed myself. I am elated to have an outlet that is healthy. If I hadn't been on this journey to exercise and be fit, I don't know how I would have been able to get through this week (probably would have smoked and eaten my way through Kwik Trip). Exercise is saving me in so many ways. Running is my new best friend. It's always there when I need it. No matter where I am, I can tie on some shoes and let my feet carry me away and bring me back much stronger than when I started. With hours of prayer and about 15 miles of running this week, I have a new appreciation for my children and my weight loss journey. I am, indeed, in charge of my life. I am the leading lady that gets  what she wants even when the adversity is at work. I am ending this week as positive as I can...even though, my husband leaves tonight and won't return until Sunday night. Laundry continues to pile up and toys continue to be scattered and this weekend brings me no relief on the parenting front. Let's hope running can cure my weekend woes too!

*I also want to mention that we have had a family member also end up in the hospital this week after having a stroke. He is showing improvements and we continue to pray for his recovery. Also, my grandma is in the hospital with a cellulitis infection and I just received news that it's not improving and is being transported to another hospital. This has been quite a week for so many of us and I hope that comfort will find us all quickly and may good health be in all our lives...sooner than later. We continue to ask for prayers.

*I look forward to blogging about my weight loss soon. I am 1 lb away from hitting my goal weight. Continue to cheer me on. I need it more now than ever. It's getting much harder to trick my body into ridding itself of fat. I AM SO CLOSE!!!

Forgive any errors in my blogging today... I am happily distracted. It's taken me nearly 2 hours to get this typed up. I've been using Ace of Base as a musical distraction to get the girl's to allow me the hands and time to type. Who knew my favorite childhood band would be Gladys' favorite 'dance' music? Greatness!

Lesson Re-Learned.

Me (while looking at colored contacts online): Rhonny, what color do you think I would look good in?

Rhonny (with a look of total confusion and devastation): MOM!!! You look beautiful just the way you are! You should love everything about yourself. REMEMBER!?!

Lesson Re-Learned

(by my beautiful daughter, Rhondalynn)

The Battle with Beautiful

What does it really mean to feel beautiful? 

In my attempt at mastering self-acceptance, I have found that I keep dwelling on this word 'beautiful'. Why am I so desperate to feel it? Our society is built around this idea that if you don't feel and look beautiful, we are destined to fail as women, mothers, wives... If we don't embrace our 'beauty', we can't possibly be capable of passing on self esteem to our children. I do, sometimes, agree with this. Months ago, at the start of this crazy new life, I complained about certain body parts and later found my daughter checking herself out in the mirror and asking me if I thought she was fat or needed some work. I also know that in times of weakness, I may call myself 'ugly or fat' and my oldest will jump on the 'feel good' bandwagon and gush over me being the prettiest mommy in all the land. I wonder if she thinks this is normal? I wonder if one day, in her moment of weakness when she's calling herself 'ugly and fat', if there will be someone there to lift her up and say differently and if no one is there to do that for her, will she be able to look herself in the mirror and convince herself otherwise. I think of all the millions of women out there that don't have children or boyfriends or husbands, and I wonder who is picking them up when they fall apart in front of the mirror. It's inevitable that we all are going to feel less than perfect and look less than perfect at some point in our lives. Do we all have someone to go to that is going to uplift us? Are you solely dependent on other's opinions of yourself? I know that I was. I know that you probably are. The statistics are out there. I don't like them at all! Did you know that the majority of women are told they are beautiful ONCE A MONTH?!?! Did you know that most women are told they are beautiful because they called themselves otherwise in front of others, subconsciously fishing for compliments that tell them otherwise because they just need to hear it. I would be lying if I said that I can't relate. Anyone else relating right now? Did you know most people are told they are beautiful during a personal crisis (i.e failed health, relationships, job)? Yes, if I found out that my husband was less than faithful, I would need an army to tell me that I was beautiful every day for a year but does that really make me feel it? No. Compliments born out of sympathy really don't hold much bearing in the long run. To find something beautiful, you have to look at it with completely open non-judgement eyes and embrace the imperfections. To find beauty, you must first know yourself. We are all uniquely programmed to show preferences. For instance, I prefer being left handed and adding hot sauce to everything I eat. You may think that is not normal but it's my everyday normal. It's what makes me uniquely me. It also means that I right now you can't see the world the same as I do so naturally, my idea of beautiful is different from yours. Who can put a definition to beautiful? I think our Heavenly Father says it best when He asks us to "Love One Another". If we are all deserving of love, then we are all deserving of beauty. We were perfectly created and then given free agency. I would like to know when in our history of humanity did the idea of being or feeling beautiful mean that we had to have flawless skin, shiny hair, and wear a size 2. I doubt Noah packed cosmetics and Photoshop on the ark. I am certain he didn't go out into the wilderness and bring back just the people he thought were beautiful. I doubt that he was thinking about passing along only the beautiful genes when he was commanded to re-populate the planet. If you asked someone today to load up the ark, I am willing to bet that the man in charge would make everyone go through genetic/dna testing so he could gather up the most perfect and most beautiful people in the world. I have no doubts here. Our world is built around this idea of being beautiful means you will be successful, rich, popular, desired, and will pass it along to your babies so if you are a man wanting to multiply there is a good chance you are thinking of this when choosing a mate. It's all very gross. Let me summarize with a few points here before moving along.

First, women get told they are beautiful ONCE A MONTH.

Second, they get told they are beautiful during personal crisis/out of sympathy.

Third, a man's idea of beauty has turned from 'love one another' to 'love the magazine model who starves herself so the Photoshop editor doesn't have to work so hard because she will pass on good genes'.

We are so screwed. Hold on to your daughters. Keep them single. Most importantly, teach them that beautiful doesn't come from outside sources. Beautiful is something that we see using what is inside. Our minds can develop an idea of beauty that involves everything and everyone it sees. Our hearts can find the beautiful in all things if it is open and willing to accept the differences. If we really want to teach our girls success, popularity, riches...then we should want to teach them that opening our hearts and minds to each others differences is what makes us beautiful people. I believe that world peace can start in our homes and with our ideas of what beautiful really is.

(If you have sons, this is equally important. Remember, the men you find disgustingly filled with unrealistic ideas of what makes a woman beautiful? They have fathers and mothers too. Boys can be taught that beauty lies in all things. So fathers, next time you are oogling women on the tv screen and verbally saying 'she's hot', your boys are listening and watching and forming an idea of beauty that is unrealistic which in turn is going to turn them into the boys that you want your daughters to stay away from. Just think about it. You could be creating the guy that breaks my daughter's heart and then you got me to deal with.)

 I look out my window this morning and see the field that was grass and trees and brush just a few short weeks ago and today it is open and free and rid of everything that was growing there. It's there to be made into whatever my heart desires. It's there for me to make beautiful. It was nothing great to look at and some would say that it currently looks like a giant ugly dirt pile but to me it holds amazing possibilities. When I look out there, I see flowers of all colors that are continually blooming. I see a garden full of fresh vegetables and a bed of berries. I see a fall full of canning in the kitchen with my family creating memories. I see my daughters rolling down a hill of green grass and picking dandelions to show how much they love me. I see my husband exhausting himself at the end of the day pushing the mower. I see myself with dirt in my nails and mud on my feet covered in sweat feverishly planting the bulb garden that I have always wanted. I see endless possibilities and they are all beautiful to me. I want my daughters to look out their metaphoric 'windows' and see all the possibilities around them. I want them to look out into the world and find beauty in everything they see. I want to see them filled with hope. Mostly, I want them to know that they are filled with perfect individual beauty and they never have to look any further than themselves to know what beautiful feels like. 

Unfortunately for me, I am discovering these things a little later in my life and struggle with the mirror. I am one of those that never takes a compliment to heart. Somewhere in my skewed mental health, I can't seem to unblock my 'ugly' defensives. I somehow have managed to convince myself that the word 'beautiful' is something I am not worthy to possess. I know differently but telling my reflexes to feel differently is going to be my life long battle. I don't wish it on anyone. Being 60 lbs lighter is a start. Don't once believe that our weight doesn't determine how we feel about ourselves. It has everything to do with how we feel. I'm not just talking about our self-esteem either. Feeling healthy is something that doesn't come easy in a world filled with junk foods and pollutions and obesity. I would have never imagined that I could feel so clean and alive and filled with hope for my future by just changing my ideas of food and exercise. These are just a few of the small steps I am taking in my battle with beautiful. I will conquer this but for now, I feel confident that my daughters are getting beauty lessons that no amount of time in a beauty salon can teach. I am setting up a foundation of open hearts and minds and an idea of beautiful that doesn't involve a mirror...or Photoshop.

Take time today to tell someone why you think they are beautiful. Don't assume beautiful people know they are beautiful. There is a good chance they looked in the mirror this morning and told themselves differently.

I'll let these pictures do the talking because I'm too busy walking!

When something breaks, fixing it isn't always the answer.

Dearest Blog,

I'm sorry I've neglected you this month. I know you must miss my nagging, whining, sarcastic, inspiring, uplifting, complaining, and at times, obnoxious postings but I swear I have a good excuse! I didn't mean to go so long without checking in but I felt more obligated to my scale this month. I know. I know. I told everyone to step away from the scale and just be healthy BUT I couldn't help myself. My numbers started calling to me. They were taunting me with lower numbers and making promises of swimsuits and sun dresses and I could no longer resist. I have to confess that I have I not missed one morning of stepping on my scale as soon as my body was starting to wake. Some mornings I even stumbled around in the dark with my eyes barely open just to sneak up on my scale in hopes that the number staring back at me would be lower than the last time I had stepped on. Obsession? Yes! I never claimed to not be compulsive. In fact, I think I warned you many posts ago about my tendency to be OCD over just about anything including the stuff that isn't so good for me. So here I am. Not obsessing on the scale this morning because...

my scale broke. 

I will say this is our little blessing in disguise because here I sit. Sometimes my biggest inspirations come from within myself. Maybe this is someone's way of telling me to sit down and get inspired. I think it's time for me to blog some progress. I've missed you dear blog. Stay tuned! Please?

Love, Me. (A Thinner Me.)

So where to begin? I can't begin where I left off because unfortunately I am not entirely sure where I left off. It's been that long?! I'll start with this.

Chest 40"  (was 46")

Waist 37" (was 47")

Hips 39" (was 44")

Thighs 21.5" (was 24.5")

Calves 14.5" (was 16.5")

Neck 14.5" (was 16.5")

Weight: 168.8 

(was 206 at my heaviest last summer, 198 when I started in December)

As you can see, I've come pretty far in 3 months. I am very proud of me. I've completely turned my life around simply by forming new habits. I wish blogging was part of my new habits. It seems that my new habits take up most of my time now and by seeing the results, I know that these are good habits to have. I drink tons of water but recently learned it wasn't enough! So I went out and bought Ice Mountain 3L jugs and starting today I will be drinking one FULL jug a day. I was told by a fitness pal that she started this new habit a week ago and her scale moved 6 lbs in a week!!! That's amazing to me. Water has so many wonderful effects on the body and I hope that learning this will help me become a better version of myself. It's 9:30 A.M, and I have managed to drink the top inch of the bottle so far. It's going to be a long day and many trips to the bathroom. Let's hope this post-pregnancy bladder can adapt to more drastic changes. I almost feel bad for the dang thing. Anyone else ever stop to ponder what a bladder has to go through in its lifetime? Probably not. But I do and it's sad. 

*bathroom break*

Anyway! My new exercise routine consists of Jillian's Michaels Ripped in 30. I am on Level 2 Day 7 and using 5lb weights and sometimes 8lb weights! Strong isn't the proper word for describing me in my moment of exercise glory. It's more like watching a beast rip itself apart. At one point during the workouts, Jillian mentions the smell of fat burning and trust me, there has been days...where I, too, wonder if that's what I am smelling. In reality, my daughter Rhondalynn, reminds me that I smell like something infested my skin. (Insert repulsed laughter! It's okay. I'm past the shame.) 

The second part of my exercise routine is cardio. I bike. I walk. I jog. I run. I scream. I cry. I weep. I whine. I groan. I glory in the numbers on the scale. I know that what I am doing works but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Cardio and I never quite seem to get along as I hope. I am asthmatic. I've spent many years being told that I can't, I shouldn't, I wouldn't dare...but I can, I will, I should, and I dare! It's brought me closer to jogging for a full hour and/or biking for 90 minutes everyday. I really feel like I have gained amazing lung capacity. I can't wait to see my doctor again! It hasn't been easy for me. I may make it sound like a breeze sometimes but trust me when I say that I do scream, cry, weep, and whine. I get unbelievably frustrated and uncomfortable with this 'weakness' but my heart and mind say 'go, go, go!' but my body doesn't always feel the same. I normally would get mad at my genetics but I've read very inspiring stories of people with asthma that run marathons and climb mountains and do all sorts of physical things. I want to be that. I want to prove to myself that I can and I want others who use these excuses to push themselves to be a better version of themselves. 

*bathroom break*

I will admit that I have days that I over do it. My body gets pretty beat on. I use those days to remind myself that I am human. You can label yourself with many different labels and everyone else can label you too but before all the labels we all are one label in common. Human. I like having those days to realize that my abilities are not superior or inferior. I like knowing that I still can falter and I still have something to work on. I like knowing that there will always be a challenge for me to face. It will continually keep me growing. 

I have found something else that keeps me accountable and inspired. A website that a Facebook friend asked everyone to join and add her. So I did and it's been absolutely helpful and essential to my journey. 

 My Fitness Pal

My username is CallMeMamaBoo.

I highly suggest anyone on this journey to be healthier to go there and become an active member. I've been able to better track my calories in and out. It's helped me become aware of my body and the things it needs to continue losing the weight. It's really become my new 'facebook'. It's filled with such positivity and support. When I post my achievements or failures, everyone is there to pick me up or pat me on the back. It's exactly the thing you need when you feel yourself falling away from your goals. I absolutely love it! I love seeing the before/after pictures of people on this same journey to get fit.

^%@#$%&

*bathroom break*

really? seriously? yes. I am.

Anyway, about those pictures. It's made me think that I probably should have done the same. I can't imagine what the pictures would have said. I do imagine they would put any words I have to shame at this point. I started going through pictures of last summer and decided I truly did hide behind the camera. There are a few, one in a swimsuit (O M G!) that I cringe just knowing the picture exists but I am going to use that picture soon. I keep telling my husband that I am going to get that swimsuit out and take an after picture for the world to see me at my worst and at my best. I hope I am drowning in that swimsuit when that time comes. I resist the urge to try it on now because I really want it to be moment of huge victory. The kind of victory that involves tears of pure elated joy. I think about the place that I am in my life and feel very blessed to know that my Heavenly Father has had a hand in where I am today. I know that my own strength could not have been enough to pull me through some of my darkest moments. I know that in those moments I had guidance and love from a much more powerful being. At the end of the day, I know who to give thanks to. Above all of that, it's always important to acknowledge that we were created to do great things and our capacity is never ending. We all should know that there is no end to things. We can continually push ourselves to reach further past our 'potential'. We can seek out His guidance but we need to understand that we are the only ones that can act on it. Only we can put one foot in front of the other. Only we can choose to make ourselves accountable. Only we can take physical action. If we do nothing, we get nothing in return. It's completely logical and probably goes without saying but sometimes we need to be reminded. If we do nothing, we get nothing in return. You might be like me. You might choose to do nothing because you don't want to be disappointed or you fear the unknown response. You have to break past that thinking. You have to reach out with faith and know that you can handle what ever result you get. If you tell yourself you can't then you won't. That is so important that I am going to say that again.

IF YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU CAN'T THEN YOU WON'T!

You can. You will.

If you don't want to involve God in your life, then involve yourself. Get involved in your future. Stand up and make the changes you want to see. I know that sometimes I sound cliche. But the truth is that these things are always forgotten and drowned out by negativity and sometimes we need constant reminders of the obvious. 

So let me share a few of my VICTORIOUS moments this month:

*I don't crave, desire, want a soda. It's been over a week since my last one that I couldn't even finish

*I tried on a size 6 jean and they zipped! Not comfortable in that size yet and not comfortable buying new clothes until I am 'done' losing the weight.

*My abs play peek a boo with me and it makes me giggle every time I see them in the mirror. Speaking of mirrors...

*I finally put a full length mirror in my room after avoiding it for over a year!

*I let Travis and Rhonny take more pictures of me and I didn't delete them afterwards!

*I jogged for an hour OUTSIDE! while my mom pushed the jogging stroller so I could add high knees, butt kicks, skaters, jump ropes to my jogging routine.

*All of my jeans are too big.

*I wore a fitted shirt.

*None of my bras fit.

*The Post Office lady asked me if I lost weight!

*I posted a picture of myself head to toe on Facebook.

So that pretty much catches you up for the month of March. I am getting very anxious to see what I can accomplish before summer time. I am even more anxious to hear about how you all are doing on your own personal journeys. 

If you need a push off the couch, I'm strong enough to do that now. 

Just email me your address. 

*running off for the bathroom break I should have taken 5 minutes ago*

*then I'm gonna Google what the best scale to buy is before going out to buy a new one later*