Thursday, August 25, 2011

Screw You. Love is Vague.

Ever run across people in the world who literally have a phobia of love? It can be simply, "No, don't love me" or more complex like, "Screw You! The last wench crushed my heart and I refuse to let anyone else do that again" (as if to say that we wenches are all alike). Sometimes we run across those that are screaming for love in all the wrong ways. There are the people that think the more skin they show, the quicker they are gonna get the attention and love they desire. There are those that play the pity me games too. You know the ones, "Oh, she broke my heart and all I did was love her and love her and love her" (these type generally are control freaks, don't fall for it). 

In life, we all desire love on some level. Some are in denial and play hard ass. Ultimately, they crumble under the supreme force and regret wasting all those years being so closed off to the possibilities. 
Then there is me. 
Little Ol' Me. 
I want love in all the right places from all the right sources at all the right times. I don't fear love. I don't yearn uncontrollably for it. It just is. I have a "Bring it ON!" mentality when it comes to love. I say write your love story on my pages. I say sing me a song and dance with me when the world is looking or when the door is closed. Pure unsheltered love in all forms feels clean and fresh to my soul. When touched with dirty selfish love I tend to want to sanitize my heart and be done with it faster than the moment I was inflicted upon. 

Recently, I've had all sorts of gross love poured on me and I wish I could just roll in bleach all damn day to rid myself of all of it. If you know the details, you know of what I speak. Today is my birthday and all day I can't seem to shake this idea of love. In all my 27 years, I can't say that I've had to live this kind of heartbreak over and over and over again except for in the last 4 years...

 I struggle with knowing where to go from here. Is it too much to ask Mr. Clean to come to my house and sweep me away on a well sanitized broom into the great clean atmosphere of pure love? Is it really too much to ask someone to pick me up and take me away? I don't feel like I am tainted. My soul is still pure. My intentions are still honest. My heart doesn't hurt terribly. I don't have regrets and I don't have a revengeful spirit. I just am. I have weathered through all the wrongs and I am on the other side feeling pretty great about myself and life.

 I have people in my life that I would clean dust bunnies for. I have people in my circle that I would roll in bleach if needed. I am purely certain that I love them all. I love them in all ways. I love them for who they are. I love some of them for the things they are not. I love the one that does me harm because ultimately, that is who I am. I don't have to love him the way he needs me to love him. Actually, most of you express concern that I am loving him more than he deserves but to you I say, Screw YOU! He's been my best friend and will always be. 

I don't know what the future holds but I do know that we are both in it. There are people in my life that don't need to hear how I feel, and to you, I also say, SCREW YOU! I love you.

 Love is vague. Love encompasses so many different levels of emotions. I don't care if you think its wrong, love is pure on any and all levels. Love doesn't hurt so bad if you realize that we all love differently and to different intensities. He may say he loves me with all his heart, and maybe that is so. Maybe his heart isn't as strong as mine. Therefore, he couldn't possibly love as intensely. Is this an excuse? Absolutely freaking not. He's still a douche bag. 

I need an intensity to match my own and I hope that happens but I'm being realistic at this point. Am I rambling and making no sense? Probably so. But dammit. I've been arguing with myself all day and basically what it comes down to is we are all capable of love. 

Some can express it easily. Some hold back in fear of what others think. Some have never known love and struggle with the idea. Some have this idea that love should only exist between 2 people and that it isn't possible to love any others. Some people believe that there is no one great love and that we are all capable of loving anyone we choose. Some believe in that one great love and that outside of that it's impossible to move on. Some believe that love is the end all, be all to life while others believe that love is merely a chemical reaction and nothing more. 

Dammit people. I think we all should be open to loving all others in any capacity we are capable of. If the person we are with doesn't feel 'loved enough' than it's quite possible that that person may need to keep moving forward. If we are with someone who loves too strongly, it's also possible that we need to keep moving forward in our search. 

It's important to recognize that most relationships don't fail because the love ends. Relationships fail because the level of love no longer matches our expectations. 

Is it too much to ask for someone that makes me feel like enough? Too much to ask for someone to stay attracted to just me? Only me? Can I be enough yet? Can someone tell me that I'm enough for them? Now can you show me? I haven't given up yet. I haven't given in. I haven't checked out. I'm just patiently waiting for someone to give me the level of love I desire. Will it be him? I sure hope so. I internally beg for things to start moving in the right direction but you can't will the heart to go where it doesn't feel like it belongs. 

For now, we wait. 
In the mean time, I love you, dammit. Yes, all of you. 
Like it or not. I love you. Deserve it or not. I love you. 
Stop asking. 
Yes, I love you. 
Do I love someone else? 
I love millions of someone else's because that's the capacity of my heart. 

Screw you. 

Love can be vague. It is vague. It will forever be vague and I will forever keep my love vague until someone jumps in and says...ENOUGH! YOU ARE ENOUGH! Y'know what I mean? Probably not...